I haven’t been associating with The Suit for a couple of weeks now. We haven’t met up, and I’ve stopped texting him. I’m trying hard to move on. I’ve been very busy with my internship (which I’m enjoying), and trying to be as social as possible throughout the week so that I feel less pressure to fit everything in on the weekend. I’m making new friends and becoming closer to my older ones. My life right now is pretty enjoyable actually. But I woke up this morning feeling lonely.
I know this is a normal part of life. Everyone gets lonely. I know it’s temporary. I know it leads to bad decisions when I try to make the feeling go away as soon as possible. So I’m not. I’m just on here, acknowledging it.
The last time The Suit and I met, he told me he didn’t want a relationship because I want it too badly. I’ve been thinking about those words for the last couple of weeks, trying to figure out if they’re true. I don’t know if he meant with him or just in general. It’s true that I want a relationship with him. But I don’t want one so badly that anyone will do to just fill this void inside me.
The American, who was the subject of a recent post, has actually become a dear friend of mine. The feeling of wanting a relationship with him has gone. We are completely platonic and both completely happy with that. We discuss with each other the people we are dating, giving each other an opposite-sex perspective.
I have met quite a few men over the past few weeks, some that have wanted to see me more, some where there was completely no desire to them again, one where there was a physical attraction and nothing else, some that I’ve wanted to pursue a friendship with, but none that I’ve wanted to pursue a relationship with. I just haven’t felt that spark with anyone, not since The Suit. No one yet has fulfilled my “criteria”. The one with whom there was only a physical attraction and nothing else, The DJ, I have been sleeping with, but I definitely DON’T want a relationship with him (we have both been completely upfront with each other about what this is and that a relationship is not going to happen between us, there will be no hurt feelings. We have nothing in common but an attraction, and that is definitely not enough for me).
So right now I do have people in my life that fulfill the various roles that previously I would have wanted one person to fill, and I think that is much healthier and much more stable. But, I still want The Suit.
So no, I don’t want it “too badly”. I want The Suit too badly. God fucking damn you, Suit, for not wanting to be with me.