Day 0 – Beginning

For half of my life I’ve been told I was depressed. I was diagnosed with depression at 16 and have been through many different anti-depressants, counsellors, psychologists and self-help books. I’ve even been to Peru to participate in ayahuasca ceremonies. But even with all this effort my mental well-being has steadily detoriated; unable to maintain a healthy relationship or a steady job and I’ve felt ever more hopeless. Five years ago, after a relationship breakdown and a stressful job, I developed anxiety as well.

To be honest, even though I was so down all the time, I was never really motivated to help myself. I thought being on medication and seeing a psychologist every now and then was enough. I did little work myself towards getting better. I wondered why my life was so crap.

I was being a victim. It was all too easy to blame my problems on my traumatic childhood.

It wasn’t until the breakdown of my relationship (late last year) with the man I really love and my subsequent suicide attempt (two months later) that I decided that I couldn’t go on like this and that it was my responsibility to make myself get better. But two months after my attempt we reconciled and I grew complacent about my recovery again.

And I continued to deteriorate. I was depressed all the time, anxious about every little thing, insecure about our relationship, and starting to have violent outbursts whenever I felt he wanted to leave the relationship.

Three weeks ago I discovered I had borderline personality disorder. And it’s been such a relief. My problem had a name! There were others like me! Instead of trying to deal with a dozen different issues, I now had but one foe to vanquish!

So I kicked my therapy up a notch; I finally felt I’d made some progress, and a little bit of hope for the first time in years.

Even so, I slipped again. Last weekend I told him I wanted to break up, something I do when I’m feeling desperate. It’s a test, he was meant to say he wanted to stay with me, to reassure me. But it backfired, and he left. I threatened suicide, I threatened to destroy his life, I bargained and pleaded. Anything to not be abandoned again.

Of course I’m angry; I wish he could have seen how hard I was trying, and stuck around to support me through this.

But it’s been the kick in the pants I’ve needed to sort myself out.

And not to win him back (though of course that would be a bonus), but to get better so I can just live with myself…and maybe even learn to be happy.

The reasons for this blog are threefold; as a way to keep myself motivated throughout my recovery; to track my progress; and to hopefully provide some inspiration to others out there who are struggling borderline personality disorder. And maybe get a little support from others like me too.

I’ve decided to challenge myself to get better in 90 days, beginning tomorrow. I don’t know if it’s possible, but I’m going to try. And even if I’m not a brand new person three months from now, I know I’ll be on my way.

If anybody out there stumbles across this, I hope you will join me in recovering from borderline personality disorder, or be inspired to help a loved one through it.

The first thing to remember is: we can and will recover!

The second is: we aren’t just assholes or screaming banshees; we’re people who feel deeply, love deeply, fear deeply, and for some reason or another have trouble regulating our emotions. It’s a skill we can acquire.

Wish me luck!

17 thoughts on “Day 0 – Beginning

  1. OK I’m totally NOT being a stalker (promise) but I’ve been going through your posts because part of me thinks that maybe I also have BPD. The symptoms you are describing are similar to what I have been through. Just wondering now if that’s what I have.. hmm

  2. Hey! Started following your blog today and just wanted to tell how brave I think you are.You are so sincere and open about your process. You remind me of myself ๐Ÿ™‚ You are getting all the right insights and are well on your way of healing yourself ๐Ÿ™‚ Keep up hope, you are heading in the right direction!

  3. Good luck in your recovery!! I had BPD for years but for the past 5 years I have been free of it, though I do suffer from anxiety. It took me a long time and pretty much a move away from my own life quite literally but I did get through it. (I mean moving house not an out of body experience!! :D) I know you will too.
    I am a bit sceptical about a lot psychiatric diagnosis and BPD is one of them. I feel like it boxes humans in a little and doesn’t allow for alternative personalities at different times in a person’s life. I hope that you find healing though and the recovery that you desire and deserve!
    xxLisa

    • Hi Lisa ๐Ÿ™‚ I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to reply. I somehow missed your comment.
      About diagnosis, I agree with you. But it’s helpful too, in my case. I’m not even sure I fit the diagnosis any more though. I’d like to learn more about how you recovered. I still struggle quite a bit, though I do realise it is still very early days.
      I know I’ll get there eventually.
      xx Sparrow

      • Well I ticked all the boxes for BPD (Which I feel is a diagnosis given when you have general depression and other symptoms that can’t be neatly put into any other category. Like you say thought diagnosis can be useful because in some cases it’s the only way people can receive help.
        I can’t really give you a simple answer for what helped me because I’m not entirely sure and it was probably a whole factor of things. Staying away from people who made me feel negative about myself was a good start. I moved away from a lot of negative people and also I am in a relationship with someone very secure. I didn’t think about it but see it happening but my depression just seemed to fade and my self loathing and destructive behaviours didn’t seem to fit any more. I think BPD can have a lot to do with your social life and what surrounds you. Personalities aren’t fixed and circumstances can change them. Maybe look and see what is making you feel the way you do and think of ways to change that. I still sometimes get times ..maybe a few times a year when I feel the familiar feelings that come with BPD but more so depression. I allow myself to feel depressed and let the feelings pass.. I usually feel better within a week. I also after letting myself feel things and let go I actively try to do things that will make me feel better.
        Good luck with your recovery and look after yourself. xxLisa

  4. Pingback: Day 319 – Relapse | From borderline to better

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