Day 2 – Stumbling

I thought I was doing so well, until I talked to him last night and I was triggered again. He said he wasn’t even open to the possibility of a date in a couple of weeks, and my rejection response fired off. I was distraught, inconsolable. Not ready for another rejection.

I realised I hadn’t been completely honest with myself this week; I was still holding out hope that I hadn’t been completely abandoned. The promise of the Friday night phone call had helped me through the week.

I simply don’t want to let go. And it really doesn’t make sense. Objectively, he hasn’t been any good for me for a while now. But he’s been viewing our relationship as though the present state is permanent, and I still see the good stuff, the potential, and how the problem isn’t really us, but our own issues that haven’t been addressed. And I say, of course our relationship doesn’t work, we both have unresolved issues! I see the exact same scenario playing out as the first time he broke up with me, and he sees it as a reason why we can’t work, but I see it as motivation for both of us to get better.

I think I’m being reasonable…I just don’t want him to shut the door completely.

I don’t think I’ve slipped all the way to square one; I still managed to calm down more quickly than before, and push away the thoughts of ending my life, and I can even see the possibility that life can go on without him.

But I still think things can get better between us.

Neither of us kept the promises we made during the first reconciliation to work on our mental wellbeing, so I’m not surprised things turned to shit. I’m determined not to make the same mistakes again.  I still think that deep down he’s a good person that things just got too hard for.

I’m not letting myself slip into black and white thinking again; he’s not a terrible person that set out to hurt me, or my salvation. I just still see enough good in the both of us and I know we have been happy together. I want him to get better too; I see him acting out the same scenarios as the first breakup, and I know how much he regretted the way he acted, and also that his feelings did change down the track. Enough to promise that he wanted to try to be the man I deserved. Unfortunately, he tried to do this by dealing only with my issues, never touching his own.

I know he wants to get better too. But maybe he’s not ready for the effort.

It’s hard, and there is no shortcut. But, I wish someone had’ve been committed to helping me get better when I was his age.

Maybe I’m just being manipulative. Maybe I’m just trying to postpone the rejection until I’m strong enough to deal with it.

I wish I could just let go! But even when I say I have, I’m lying to myself.

5 thoughts on “Day 2 – Stumbling

  1. Borderline and love… It’s a struggle. I like your determination to get better, reminds me of the work I’ve put down myself. It took more than three months, and I’m still not a 100%, but I am by far in remission. You need to face your demons, you need to get hurt, and you need to learn your own “triggers”, so to speak. Do what feels like right for you, say what feels right. ‘Cause it’s the only way you can predict your own behavior in the future, and that’s one key to getting better.. 🙂 Good luck, I’ll be dropping by again.

  2. I’ve faced this exact same situation, and am currently still getting past it. What I “know” in the back of my head is biased toward whatever keeps me with the person and the happy moments, rather than realizing that we don’t work and things are better in the long run if we are apart. I have hope that we can address our issues and be happy, but I don’t know if I actually believe this hope. I feel guilt / sadness / abandonment and it leads me to fight for the thing I have lost.

    • I tend to do the same, but now I realise that is just a way to get what I want, now, and I have to keep reminding myself what is better for me in the long run. I have to seek out the lesson of the situation, or it is too easy to fall back into old patterns. I don’t really want to let go, but what I want and what I need are rarely the same thing.
      I wish he had fought for us too, but maybe the fact that he didn’t shows he had more insight or strength than me at the time. We were both falling apart. I’m getting better now, I don’t know if he us, but that’s not my business anymore.

      • I agree with all of this. I think the same thing about insight and strength. I have the insight but fail to take it into account like I should. And I am always amazed at how weak I can be at times yet perfectly fine at others, and wish I could always be stronger with what I know is right. And you getting better is all that matters, even though it’s so freaking weird to get used to not caring about someone you have cared so much about.

      • Wow, you’ve hit the nail on the head here:”it’s so freaking weird to get used to not caring about someone you have cared so much about.”
        I struggle with that so much too. How is it that someone who I love so much, and was my entire world, is now not even a part of it? He’s only 20 minutes away, but may as well not even exist any more. It’s one of the hardest parts to accept. It just feels….wrong.

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