I thought I was doing so well, until I talked to him last night and I was triggered again. He said he wasn’t even open to the possibility of a date in a couple of weeks, and my rejection response fired off. I was distraught, inconsolable. Not ready for another rejection.
I realised I hadn’t been completely honest with myself this week; I was still holding out hope that I hadn’t been completely abandoned. The promise of the Friday night phone call had helped me through the week.
I simply don’t want to let go. And it really doesn’t make sense. Objectively, he hasn’t been any good for me for a while now. But he’s been viewing our relationship as though the present state is permanent, and I still see the good stuff, the potential, and how the problem isn’t really us, but our own issues that haven’t been addressed. And I say, of course our relationship doesn’t work, we both have unresolved issues! I see the exact same scenario playing out as the first time he broke up with me, and he sees it as a reason why we can’t work, but I see it as motivation for both of us to get better.
I think I’m being reasonable…I just don’t want him to shut the door completely.
I don’t think I’ve slipped all the way to square one; I still managed to calm down more quickly than before, and push away the thoughts of ending my life, and I can even see the possibility that life can go on without him.
But I still think things can get better between us.
Neither of us kept the promises we made during the first reconciliation to work on our mental wellbeing, so I’m not surprised things turned to shit. I’m determined not to make the same mistakes again. I still think that deep down he’s a good person that things just got too hard for.
I’m not letting myself slip into black and white thinking again; he’s not a terrible person that set out to hurt me, or my salvation. I just still see enough good in the both of us and I know we have been happy together. I want him to get better too; I see him acting out the same scenarios as the first breakup, and I know how much he regretted the way he acted, and also that his feelings did change down the track. Enough to promise that he wanted to try to be the man I deserved. Unfortunately, he tried to do this by dealing only with my issues, never touching his own.
I know he wants to get better too. But maybe he’s not ready for the effort.
It’s hard, and there is no shortcut. But, I wish someone had’ve been committed to helping me get better when I was his age.
Maybe I’m just being manipulative. Maybe I’m just trying to postpone the rejection until I’m strong enough to deal with it.
I wish I could just let go! But even when I say I have, I’m lying to myself.