Day 4 – Dealing

I felt a bit sad today.

I’m starting to feel the void where he used to be. Little things that happened throughout the day that would normally be shared with him went unsaid. I don’t feel like there is anyone I can really share that stuff with.

I tried my best to use mindfulness to stave off the sadness, but it’s becoming apparent that I need to start dealing with stuff; for example, why there is even a void within me that needs someone else to fill it.

I’ve been doing some reading on AJ Mahari (a recovered borderline and counsellor)’s site, and she advises that there is no way around feeling pain when overcoming borderline personality disorder. I’m worried that I’m just stuffing everything down inside. I do feel encouraged by my progress in managing my emotions, but I think the next step is exploring why I have this chronic feeling of emptiness.

I also read somewhere (I’m sorry, I can’t remember where), that the most important things to deal with are the low self esteem and the fear of abandonment (my BIGGEST issue by far). My self-esteem seems to jump around the place, sometimes I feel real, and good, and beautiful, and I like myself! And other days…plain, hollow, worthless, and like no one will ever see anything in me worth sticking around for. I feel like the breakdown of all my relationships proves the latter, and I spend all my singledom building my self esteem up again, only to have it slip away once a relationship becomes established. And my questioning, neediness and insecurities convinces them that I’m not worth it, and I’m annihilated again.

I see this cycle clearly for the first time, and I desperately want to break it.

I want to feel like a whole person, irrespective of who I’m with or not with.

Even though I sometimes feel overwhelmed by the long road ahead, I’m proud that I’ve finally found the strength to walk it. I won’t hurt anyone again, including myself.

That feeling gives me something real to hold on to, a foundation on which to build my self esteem.

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