I have an old iPhone 3 that I used for about a month in March while my iPhone 4 was broken (I had thrown it at the wall in a fit of rage).
It was during the time that he and I had just reconciled, but were still living in different states.
I bring it up now, because Mum wanted to use the old phone, so I dug it out of a drawer, and began the process of clearing all my stuff off it.
I went in to clear the text messages, and it opened up on the most recent texts between he and I. I instantly felt winded, and I couldn’t help reading them. Bad idea, I know.
In my last message on that phone I confessed that I was having conflicting emotions about being back together and that I was scared I was going to fuck us up with my jealousy and negativity. This was before I knew about BPD and had done very little to work on my own issues.
“Look, I understand completely where you are coming from. And I’m not expecting anything to be a complete and total fix straight away. But I’m hoping that once I earn even a fragment of your trust again you’ll start to understand that I want to be with you, that I don’t want to hurt you, and that I want us to have a happy life togeher. And slowly you’ll start being less apprehensive about us being back together and you won’t have any conflicting emotions anymore.
You’re not going to fuck anything up, because I’m going to fight for us. So whatever you do doesn’t matter. I want us to be together. I love you so much.”
My first instinct was to send the messages to him, to remind him of what he promised me mere months ago. I knew it wouldn’t go down well, and I had also just promised my therapist that I wouldn’t contact him for at least two weeks (after which point I will re-assess how long I can commit to not contacting him).
So I let myself cry for a minute or two. And I accepted that it made me feel sad. It would be unreasonable not to. I think I’m coping ok with it. I’m not sure if sharing the message here was the right thing to do, but I needed to get it out, so it won’t fester inside me.
But I’m confused. I still believe he is a good person, who is confused himself. But I’m also scared that he’s not, that he’s insincere, and will say anything to get his way. And I can’t know which it is, because I can’t contact him. And even if I could, I don’t think even he would know the truth. And I don’t know if it even matters anymore.
I don’t like it. But I will try to accept it.