Day 8 – Forgiving

Somehow over the last 24 hours it has just clicked in me: I understand how to forgive.

It’s been a few weeks since I’ve stopped feeling bitter about my childhood, and I’ve traced it back to the night I realised that my father most likely also had bpd. For the first time, I was able to imagine how it must have felt for him to come home and find his family gone. I understood things from his perspective, and I cried. And I know I have forgiven him.

I’ve considered contacting him to let him know this, but I’m still scared of him. And I’m worried that maybe he’s moved on and it would just stir up more pain for him. So for the moment, I will let sleeping dogs lie. But I hope he’s out there, working on his stuff too.

So, the key to forgiving is empathy. I’m sure you can read this in a million other places, and I probably have. But it was still necessary for me to come to this realisation by myself. Apparently there is a Chinese proverb which says;
Tell me, I’ll forget
Show me, I’ll remember
Involve me, I’ll understand.

I’ve been working on applying this new understanding to the other him.

And I think it’s working.

I understand why he did what he did. In all honesty, the way things were, I could have ended up dead. And he may have also feared for his life too. I was scary. Just like my father. I’ve been told this twice now; by my mother, and by another close friend, a big guy, over a foot taller than me. And he was scared of me.

It would have been hard to love me the way things were. He told me if he stayed he would end up hating me. He was scared to come home, because he never knew who he was coming home to. Dealing with me was beyond his capabilities, and it was taking a toll on both of us.

My only regret that remains is that he left just as I felt I’d begun to make progress. But there would have been a good chance that progress would have stalled had he stayed. At any rate, I know I wouldn’t have made such rapid progress with him here.

I think I forgive him.

I only hope he is working on his stuff too. I can’t make him, it has to be something he realises he needs by himself. He doesn’t live on my farm.

6 thoughts on “Day 8 – Forgiving

  1. It’s good to forgive, but most importantly, can you forgive yourself? It’s something I’ve struggled with, knowing all the pain you can put loved ones through when you’re like us.
    I hope you keep seeing progress. Don’t give up if you come to a halt at some point. I’ve been on this journey for a while now, and as recently as last night I came to a new realization that I think is key to my progress. It’s a fascinating journey to re-discover, deconstruct and reconstruct yourself. Not everyone gets the opportunity to see themselves as clearly as you do now, to decide which pieces they want to keep, and which to throw away. I’m sure you’ll find yourself exceptional in the end 🙂

    • I think part of the reason I have learned to forgive others is because I’ve finally started treating myself with kindness and understanding; finally I am able to understand my own behaviour and not be so angry with myself, and it has helped me apply that same thought process and feelings to understanding and forgiving the actions of others.
      I’m no longer mad at the universe for the way I am, and it is so much easier to be understanding and forgiving when I’m no longer clouded by bitterness.
      Thank you for your support, Thunder. It means a lot to me that my words are being read by someone out there 🙂

  2. Forgiveness is absolutely key to becoming well again. Holding anger, bitterness and resentment for so ling can manifest itself by means of physical and mental illness. Please read my post The Importance of Forgiven under Mr Wrong Excerpts. Mr Wrong is, “a humorous and insightful book about why some women continually attract negative men and relationships into their life and sets you on a path to finding a happy and healthy relationship with Mr Right.” O hope you enjoy. I’d live to hear your thoughts

    • You’re right about anger. I think it was helpful in the short term, in order to take him off the pedestal. But I’m surprised with myself at how quickly it passed. I think it’s a positive sign that I’m on the road to recovering from BPD. The old me would have held on to the anger for years, and in respect to my childhood, I did. I’ve only just let go of the bitterness from my childhood. I’m still working towards forgiving him…but I’m getting there.

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