It was a fairly busy day for me today; garage sales, working on assignments, doing chores. I didn’t really do anything towards my recovery. Unless keeping myself occupied is part of recovering.
I’ve mentioned in a previous post that fear of abandonment is my biggest and most debilitating issue. I guess this is pretty common among borderlines.
I went shopping with mum yesterday, and while she was in the bank I went to find a restroom. On my way back to the bank, I decided to stop in quickly at a book shop; I wanted to find a DBT workbook. No workbook, but the first book that I noticed and picked up, on the psychology shelf, was ‘The Journey from Abandonment to Healing’ by Susan Anderson. The title was vaguely familiar, I think it was mentioned on another BPD site. I read the blurb and put it back on the shelf; I couldn’t really afford it at that moment and I’m in the middle of three other books.
I turned around to the Self Help shelf, which I always feel embarrassed about looking at. And there on the top shelf was that book again, only, this one had a sale sticker on it;
I think the universe meant for me to have this book. So, now I’m in the middle of four books. I will post anything I find helpful from it as I’m reading.
Also, I caved and called him today. Even though I promised my thearapist I would give it two weeks.
It was a pleasant conversation, and I managed to stay calm and not become desperate. We chit chatted for a while, nothing heavy. I’m glad I called; I needed to see whether or not I’m only getting better because I’m not interacting with him, and if talking to him would undo all my hard work. I don’t think that is the case; I believe that my progress is real.
I did tell him I miss him though; I don’t want to be fake with him. He replied “It is probably just…” he paused. “Attachment?” I asked. “Yes,” he said.
So, my question is; how do you know if missing someone is a genuine reflection of your feelings or simply attachment? I’m not sure if I fully understand the concept of attachment yet. I feel attached to everything. It’s hard to throw anything away.