Day 12 – Pushing

I’m reading Zen and the Art of motorcycle Maintenance.

Today, I came across this passage:

“He returned to his Midwest, picked up a practical degree in journalism, married, lived in Nevada and Mexico, did odd jobs, worked as a journalist, a science writer and an industrial-advertising writer.”

A pretty innocuous passage, that should have just been skimmed past.

But it made me stop. I suddenly felt so empty.

Just a laundry list of life events, so normal. And “married” just slipped right into the middle. Like it’s just something that happens for people. A normal part of life.

But not for me.

I realised that I have this belief that marriage is just not something that will happen for me. And I realised how desperately I want it to be.

I feel like relationships will just never be effortless for me. I constantly have to work so hard, terrified that I’m going to be abandoned. And inevitably, I am. Marriage is a prize that I can just never win.

And it’s not like I just want to marry anyone. That’s part of the problem. I always imagine what my wedding day would be like with the guy I’m in a relationship with at that time, and there is always a sinking feeling. Like, I would marry them because I so badly want to feel chosen and loved, but it is just settling, and there is always disappointment.

Except, of course, with him. The one I just lost. The first person I felt happy to look at across the altar. And then he proposed, and I thought my life was sorted.

And of course I fucked it all up.

I’m not sure where this post was going. I think it was going to be about how I need to address why I feel so empty and unhappy being single. Why I need to be in a relationship. Why even a relationship isn’t enough for me. Why I’m so scared of being alone that I push for more and it pushes them away. I’m not even sure what I’m pushing for, except to push the emptiness away.

I know I need to work through this. But I’m scared of letting go of the only person that I’ve ever wanted to spend my life with.

How can I work through this when I risk losing that?

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