I’m not doing so well today.
I think I’ve steadily been getting worse since I found those old messages from him. I think the reminder of his broken promises feels like a fresh abandonment. It’s all I can do not to call him, but I don’t want him to know that I’m struggling. Because I feel like my only chance to get him back is if I get better. I know that’s the wrong way to think. And I know it’s alot of pressure to put on myself, and if we were to get back together it would be a lot of pressure to maintain the facade that I was better. And then I would be right back here.
Maybe I’m hurting so much right now because I’m coming to the realisation that we can never work out.
And I’m not finding the motivation to keep going if that’s the case.
Why is his love more important to me than my recovery? I think I’m losing faith in myself.
Added 1 hour later:
I took some time, did some distraction, and re-read all my old blog posts. I feel so much calmer, and hopeful again. I’m so glad I’ve kept a record of my progress, as I can see the dips and rises, and it reminds me that I won’t always feel low. I don’t want to forget the progress I’ve made and the lessons I’ve learned; that was why I failed the last time I tried to get better.