Day 22?

I’ve been trying to keep myself distracted today, but it’s no use. I’m so distressed. I feel so alone. I’m not feeling very safe with myself today.
I had a theme prepared today, but, it’s too hard. I’ve been trying to calm myself down, but I’m not sure if I’m strong enough yet to do it completely alone.

I’m distressed because it’s Friday night and I’m all alone, my housemate is away for the night, my mum is 9 hours away, my closest friends are in another city, I’m exhausted from not being able to sleep, and I have to go to a wedding tomorrow. It’s the last thing I want to do, but I don’t want to let my friend down by not going. The hardest part about it is that she and I both got engaged at the same time, but her wedding is tomorrow and I’m heartbroken.

I wish I could make the pain go away…maybe I should go hit myself in the head until I forget he exists.

ETA 15 minutes later…yesterday my therapist said that I need to be able to reflect on times that I haven’t felt so down, to remind myself that this feeling will pass so that I don’t do anything stupid. I won’t do anthing stupid.

12 thoughts on “Day 22?

  1. I’m sorry you’re feeling so alone Sparrow. I also wish I could make your pain go away. I know it’s not much but I am always at the end of an email/tweet etc if you need someone to talk to, even if it’s just random girly chat! ๐Ÿ™‚ Maxi xx

  2. Hi Sparrow. Remember you are never alone. Do not beat yourself up about what could have been. Concentrate on the now. The very present. How far you’ve come, how you’ve created a network of followers and people who care and are inspired by your ongoing recovery and your candudness about it on here. You are inspiring and helping others so they too are not alone. What a beautiful purpose! Your happiness will come. Try and focus on the the positive and on the happiness you need, want and desire to attract into your live. I sat down the other day and wrote a list of things I aim to attract into ky life, my needs, wants and desires and once I was done (ne aware I was at rock bottom before) I had already felt a huge weight lift from me as I started to believe that these things will come. Since then I have attracted so .much positive into my life. (not the boyfriend, marriage or wealth and success just yet) nut I know it will come. Also have you tried writing a list of top 30 things you want to do before you die. I did, when I felt like I did not want to live anymore and suddenly I realised how very small I was and how much there is still to do on this beautiful huge planet.

    You will be and are absolutely fine even when we are going through the dark times we are experiencing life and all its rich emotions, knowing that we will find happiness and peace within ourselves eventually. For I know that those who truely experience rock bottom inevitably rise to the top with a wisdom and strength that can guide and inspire others.

    Keep on inspiring. Keep on recovering. Thus is all part of it xx

    • Thank you so much for the beautiful comment, it really made me feel better. If I can inspire just one person to recover along with me, then my life will have served a purpose. I will do all those things you suggested. I really do need to figure out what it is I want out of life beyond just getting better.It’s hard to be positive when you don’t have a clear picture of how you want your life to be; that’s partly why I’ve just muddled along my whole life, my head has been so clouded that I have no idea where I want to be xx

      • Look at you you’ve already started. Writing things down does wonders. I also created a vision board. I bought lots if magazines and cut out positive images and words that represent where I want to be. It took me a couple of hours but I loved it. It was like I was creating and selecting my life right in front of me. Now it hangs right infront if my bed so its the first thing I see each morning. It makes me feel instantly positive. Give it a go and let me know how it went! You are helping people so keep on going! Xx

  3. Pingback: Day 46 – Lonely | From borderline to better

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