Today was spent thinking about the musician…and stopping myself from thinking about him.
The plan was to go to class, concentrate on my work, and NOT to contact him.
At least I didn’t contact him first. He sent me a text, an image actually, of a sign he saw. It said: “Believe in yourself, and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle.”
The obstacle right now, it seems, is figuring out how to keep my focus on my recovery and be ok with whatever happens with the musician.
So far, I’m not really succeeding. But, I can’t expect to master a new skill on the first try. Getting overwhelmed by my feelings for someone is something I’ve been doing for almost twenty years; it’s a habit that won’t be broken overnight.
What I’m grappling with at the moment is a decision; do I cut off all contact and go back to the original plan of NO romantic involvement and concentrate completely on myself; or do I allow myself a little joy and work on this new skill, knowing there’s a chance I may fail on the first attempt?
Part of me, my selfish outer child is trying to rationalise the latter; “This is a skill important to your recovery! You can make it work!” shes saying. My adult is unsure; “Yes, it’s important, but are you ready for it?” The inner child is temporarily sated by the affection she’s received and is siding with the outer child.
The point may be moot anyway; he may not even be interested in being a party to this.
But that’s ok; then there’s a whole other skill for me to develop.