I’m pretty ill tonight, so I’ll do my best to write a coherent post.
If you read my last post, you’ll remember that I’ve been struggling to make a decision.
The reason it is so hard is because I don’t trust myself. Part of my problem has always been needing someone to either make a decision for me, or to ok a decision I’ve made. My instincts are impotent with disuse. My gut feelings are unreadable due to the constant stomach ache of anxiety. And the black and white thinking always leads me to believe there is a right answer, a wrong answer, no inbetween, and no way to know which is which.
Thinking like this it’s impossible to make any decision.
And last night it occurred to me; there IS no wrong answer, no right answer, and that is why it’s so hard to figure out which is which.
There is only the decision you make, and then accepting the consequences that come of that path you have chosen. Any what-ifs and if-onlys exist only in some theoretical parallel universe.
The constant back and forth, agonising over whether we made the right decision, and weighing up of not-yet-existent outcomes only undermines our trust in ourselves to make a decision. We are in limbo until a decision is made; no progress, in any direction, can be made. There is no way to know in advance how something will turn out, or if happiness actually did lie beyond that other door. As soon as we make a decision and act on it, that other possibility ceases to exist. Did any other outcome even ever exist? Maybe, maybe not…we can’t beat ourselves up over a fictional conclusion.
There is a huge element of radical acceptance needed here though; it is necessary in order to not play the what if game. With time our trust in ourselves and our ability to make a decision will grow. And the feeling in our stomach will no longer be anxiety but instinct.
That being said, life isn’t a board game and there is no rule about this. Life has loopholes. Once you put your piece down you can change your move if deep down you know it wasn’t right. That too is a decision we can be ok with making.
A healthy relationship with someone you don’t trust is impossible. So if you don’t trust yourself, how can you expect to be happy with you?