Day 27 – Preoccupation

I’m kind of annoyed with myself that I spend so much time thinking about the opposite sex. If I was a man, though, it would be normal. But somehow, for a woman, it makes her seem desperate, insecure or slutty.

I’ve been trying to make up for my preoccupation by spending more time on my hobbies, study and socialising. But it’s not really cutting it. I’d really like to be with someone. But I’m terrified of developing feelings for someone at this stage, and neglecting my recovery.

Is there any sure fire way to separate emotions from the physical?

Or are the emotions just something I have to deal with as they arise?

Sometimes I wish I were a man.

11 thoughts on “Day 27 – Preoccupation

  1. dont think you’re at fault here. its the double standard society places on women that portrays them as slutty if they were to adopt such thoughts. it keeps women “in their place”. as a male, i do think a lot about women as well, but its more towards emancipating women from such positions and to be more in touch with the opposite sex’s emotions 🙂

    • Thanks for commenting 🙂
      You have a point…I need to just own my feelings and fuck the double standard. If I don’t get hurt and don’t hurt others, then it should all be good. Because now that I think about it, it’s not they way I feel causing me angst, but the guilt I feel for feeling this way. Madness!

  2. If you were to meet the right person, do you believe that they could help you with your recovery?

    Feelings come and sometimes they go.

    It’s natural to want to be with someone and I think there would be greater cause for concern if you wanted the opposite; to be isolated and alone. It seems important to you, as long as you’re with someone who respects what YOU want and sometimes need.

    • I wouldn’t say that the right person couldn’t help with my recovery, but my fear is that if I get involved with someone then my recovery would be for them. And then if we were to break up it would be something we could hold over each others heads; “But I helped you recover!” in his case, or “But I go better for you!” in mine.
      I want to get better for myself, first, and then meet the right person. Then I can be the best me in the relationship, and no hard feelings if it doesn’t work out.
      It’s perfectly fine to want to be with someone, but it’s not great to need it. And that’s my problem. I think.
      I don’t know…how do you tell if it’s a want or a need??

  3. That makes sense to me and I think it’s noble and very honest of you to want to work on helping yourself before letting anyone else in close. I’ve been in a brief relationship where I felt I was only ‘needed’ (as ‘anyone’, rather than for who I am). if I’m honest though, the feeling was quite mutual and we both got very badly hurt when it ended.

    Right now, I get the impression that you naturally WANT to be with someone but also feel that you NEED to get better first. As opposed to needing someone right now and wanting to get better later. Does that make sense? It’s only my perception so, please, don’t take it too seriously or anything. 🙂

    • Yes, I think you’re right. Putting it that way actually makes me feel less guilty about wanting to be with someone. I’ve been beating myself up about it a bit lately.

  4. I think the key thing here is *why* you think of men all the time and *how*. And also (maybe more importantly), *why* you want to be with someone. Are you thinking about men because you think you’re not whole without them? Do you want to be with someone because you don’t know how to be alone? There’s a lot of insight just being able to recognise the wants you have, but I think that before you indulge yourself too much into them, you first need to establish *yourself*.

    • This post was quite a while ago, and I feel I’ve made some progress since then. I accept that it is normal to want to be with someone, we are programmed that way in order to keep the species going 🙂 I guess it becomes a problem when you can’t cope with the feelings being alone brings up, and you try to make those feelings go away by pursuing unhealthy relationships.
      I won’t lie and say I’m completely ok now with being alone, I’m still human and have needs, I can’t fight biology 🙂 I want to be with someone not because I feel incomplete, but because it’s a nice feeling to mean something to someone. Sometimes it consumes all my thoughts, but I’ve noticed this is cyclical, and therefore I believe hormonal. It may be stronger for me now because of my age, and I do believe I’m running out of time to become a mother.
      I do occasionally have thoughts that I’m alone because something is wrong with me, but I understand now that those thoughts are a result of faulty logic, so I try to push them away. I’m single right now because that’s the way the dice rolled.

      • I understand the wish to be with someone all too well, Sparrow, and I also understand the wish and urge to become a mother. I’m older than you, and my own time is just about to run out. The last year or so, I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that I may not have children. Life ran past me, and now it may be too late. Never say never, though. I won’t lock any doors, I just want to reconcile with the possibility and not let my worth as a human and a woman be defined by whether or not I have offspring.

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