I’m now a third of the way through my 90 day challenge, so it’s probably a good time to evaluate where I am in my recovery.
So, how am I doing? That’s a hard question.
I’m definitely feeling more stable, more in control of my emotions (the couple of blips I have had were just that – blips, and I think it’s very good that I recognise that), I’m more positive about the future, I have some concrete goals and am liking who I am. I am letting go of the bitterness I have carried since my childhood, and learning how to forgive and how to make reasoned decisions. I definitely think I am on the way to somewhere good.
I don’t want to jump the gun here; I’m better than I was, but I’m still a work in progress.
Having done all this work, it’s become obvious to me that the biggest thing holding me back right now is the emptiness I still feel.
If I really examine that feeling, though, I recognise that it’s just the desire in me to make meaningful connections with other people and the world in general. The past week I had been trying to fill this emptiness by pursuing romance, which I have always known to be the quickest and easiest fix for that feeling. I know I need to stop this, because that’s all it is; a quick fix.
I need to get out of this quick fix mentality (and, I won’t beat myself up here, I realise it’s a common symptom of our society), and really put in the time and effort to create deeper, wider connections with friends, family, and my community. This is something that has never been easy for me, and actually scares me quite a bit. It’s the fear of rejection that has been holding me back; it stops me from reaching out, keeps me isolated and fuels the emptiness. Which I then try to fill with that easily obtainable stimulant: male attention.
I’m not going to dwell anymore on the emptiness; I think it just means that I’m a normal human being, with a healthy need to connect with other human beings. I’d like to thank Brandon for drawing this to my attention.
The next time I feel it arise, urging me to act impulsively, I will tell it to be patient. I will fill in the hole properly, one scoop at a time. I won’t just cover it up, only to fall through and hurt myself again.