I spoke to my therapist today about how I still feel so empty when interacting with people with whom I have a platonic relationship, and I asked if it meant something is wrong with me.
She said it’s probably just because it is something I don’t have practice with and haven’t become comfortable with. And not at all helpful that I have a constant voice in the back of my mind telling me that everything is more fun with a boyfriend.
We discussed my childhood and how I have had “boyfriends” since the age of about four (my first boyfriend, Ben, used to sit next to me in kindergarten and hit me on the top of my head), and I have always valued their company above that of my female friends. I think it is the idea that I have been chosen above all others to be in a relationship with, while friendship is not exclusive. When I am with a friend, I always have the feeling that they have closer friends than me, and that I’m some kind of interloper. I never feel completely accepted in a friendship, and I don’t get the closeness I crave or the same sense of validation that I do when I’m with a boyfriend.
With the help of my therapist I have decided to commit to, at a minimum, the month of September to being single, nurturing my platonic friendships, being mindful of my thoughts while socialising, and being completely present with my friends. Perhaps by giving more of myself in a friendship, I will discover that the closeness I have been craving can be found in more places than just a man’s arms.