I’ve mentioned before in this blog that there has been more than one time that a guy has told me during a break up that “I’m not the girl he fell in love with anymore.” I always found it extremely hurtful because I had always been upfront with them from the beginning about my depression, and I couldn’t understand why they would add to my depression by breaking up with me, when I felt I couldn’t help the way I was.
I’ve been thinking about it, and I can admit now that I do change (for the worse) when in a relationship. As a friend, I’m fun, outgoing, independent, rational. As a girlfriend, I am often clingy, insecure, willful, demanding. Guys fall for the “friend” version of me, and after a while I morph into the “girlfriend” version. This isn’t to say I don’t keep some of my good qualities as the “girlfriend”, but a lot of unpleasant ones come to the fore. It’s time to put an end to this, and be a more consistent me.
I don’t have all the answers today; it will be something I will focus on this month. I will work out why I do this, the qualities I have that I want to nurture and the ones I want to jettison, and a plan to do this.
This isn’t about becoming a different person, but the best version of me that I can be. It is about breaking the bad habits that hurt me and my loved ones, and acknowledging and embracing the things that I like about myself.