Days 38-39 – Consistently Me

I’ve mentioned before in this blog that there has been more than one time that a guy has told me during a break up that “I’m not the girl he fell in love with anymore.” I always found it extremely hurtful because I had always been upfront with them from the beginning about my depression, and I couldn’t understand why they would add to my depression by breaking up with me, when I felt I couldn’t help the way I was.

I’ve been thinking about it, and I can admit now that I do change (for the worse) when in a relationship. As a friend, I’m fun, outgoing, independent, rational. As a girlfriend, I am often clingy, insecure, willful, demanding. Guys fall for the “friend” version of me, and after a while I morph into the “girlfriend” version. This isn’t to say I don’t keep some of my good qualities as the “girlfriend”, but a lot of unpleasant ones come to the fore. It’s time to put an end to this, and be a more consistent me.

I don’t have all the answers today; it will be something I will focus on this month. I will work out why I do this, the qualities I have that I want to nurture and the ones I want to jettison, and a plan to do this.

This isn’t about becoming a different person, but the best version of me that I can be. It is about breaking the bad habits that hurt me and my loved ones, and acknowledging and embracing the things that I like about myself.

5 thoughts on “Days 38-39 – Consistently Me

  1. You’re clearly a likeable and loveable person so. One person’s depression can also affect those surrounding them. Some things just aren’t meant to be but, live keeps on moving forwards.

    How do you define being ‘clingy’ and ‘demanding’?

    It is only natural to WANT to spend as much time as possible with someone you love and care for. Love can be an obsession. When we’re insecure in ourselves and do not have many other close friends that we feel we can trust, it can be easy to return to the ‘security’ of that one special person in our lives (this is my opinion, anyway). Again, this is only natural.

    You deserve to find happiness and I hope you enjoy discovering and appreciating everything that is bright and positive about who you are. 🙂

    • It may be natural to want to spend as much time as possible with a loved one, but I don’t think it’s a good thing in my case. I get to a point where I need them in order to feel good, and letting them out of my site makes me feel insecure. It got to where I could barely function if they weren’t there next to me. That’s when I get clingy and demanding, because I rely on them so much. I don’t let them be their own person, and I demand all of their time, resenting their other friends or hobbies. It becomes suffocating for them, and I become very unattractive in my neediness and insecurity. Nothing like the person I am before I get attached to someone. It’s impossible for me to be happy in a situation like that, knowing deep down that I’m hurting someone I love and that they are probably resenting me for it; I need to learn to love and enjoy someones company in a balanced way. Appreciating my strengths, discovering what I like and who I am, and developing my self-esteem will go a long way towards that.

      • You say that you get to a point where you ‘need them in order to feel good’…

        How do you feel about yourself generally, when you’re not with someone?

        I get the impression that you’ve quite aware of your feelings and that you have a good insight in to how you are and what you might need. 🙂

      • This is the first time being single that I’ve actually worked on feeling ok without a boyfriend; every other time I felt empty, lonely, not whole. It’s only because I feel I’d hit rock bottom with my mental and emotional health that I’m able to look at myself so honestly, and be willing to put in the hard work to get better. Before, when I was stuck in the victim mindset, I felt like someone should have come along to make me better, to make up for my childhood, and I suppose that is why I was never ok alone. I think the most powerful thing in changing this mindset has been forgiving my father, and letting go of the bitterness of my childhood.

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