It was hard for me to leave the house this morning, because I felt like I was having an ugly day. It made me feel shit but I had to leave to catch my train, so there was no more time to try to make myself look perfect. In the past it would have given me a panic attack, and I would have had to stay home. This used to drive my ex crazy, and he even cited it as one of the reasons why he didn’t want to be with me; on any given day he never knew if we were going to make it out of the house or not. He began to dread any kind of outside activity with me, and I dreaded the panic attacks that getting ready to go out could induce.
I think part of the reason I get so anxious about “ugly days” is because I feel so judged by my appearance. As a child I was always praised for my looks, and I had come to believe that if I didn’t look perfect, people wouldn’t like me. That I wasn’t worthwhile if I wasn’t beautiful. I spent some time today thinking about this, and came to a realisation; the last three boyfriends I have had, I all met on “ugly days”!
Perhaps it was the fact that I felt unattractive that caused me to give off a more approachable vibe, or the possibility that because I looked more mortal than goddess that it gave them the courage to approach me. Or perhaps I looked the same as I always do and it was a complete coincidence. Whatever the reason, the fact is, ugly day or not, it is possible for people to like me and find me attractive.
Having had this realisation today, the universe seemed determined to support it; even though I felt less than beautiful, I made friends with an attractive guy on the train, who didn’t seem to be disgusted by my appearance; and two middle aged dullards leered at me in the street and stopped to introduce themselves.
I know I will continue to have “ugly days”, but I won’t let them phase me anymore. From now on, I will slap on a smile and head out the door.