Sometimes I think I’m doing so well. Sometimes I don’t. But one thing is for certain; my emotions are on a much more even keel than I’ve ever experienced before. It’s quite an odd feeling after a lifetime of jagged emotional peaks and troughs.
So, while I have felt a little more down this past week than in the previous few weeks, it’s not a huge deal. It’s more an indicator that I need to be more diligent in my mindfulness practice. I’ve been a bit slack with it lately, partly because I’ve been busy with college and socialising, and partly because I’ve felt so much better than I ever have. But stopping now would like being stopping a course of antibiotics early because you feel better; you run the risk of a relapse.
The reason I’ve been feeling a bit low this week is because I’ve let myself slip into thinking about my ex again. The bad dreams of last week have stopped, to be replaced with dreams of happy reconciliations. It’s a nice change, but still disappointing to wake up from. The confusing part of all this is that I’m not even sure what I want anymore. Six weeks ago it would have been my dearest wish to get back together, but now, I have no idea. I feel like I don’t even know him anymore, so how could I want to get back together?
The part that is making me sad is that I still think he is the only one out there for me. It’s not that I’m scared I won’t meet someone else; my history has shown me that is unlikely. But until him none of them were the one. He has been the only one so far.
I’ve also always believed that I manifested his appearance in my life. I had just read The Secret and decided to manifest The One. I wrote a list, acted as though he was already a part of my life, and two weeks later he appeared and we fell instantly in love.
I guess that was a lot of pressure to put on a relationship; when you believe it is destined there is no room for imperfections. I believed I had fallen in love with a flawless human being, created with my happiness in mind; and when it turned out he wasn’t, I couldn’t get past it. I wish I could tell him I’m sorry for that. I was so angry for what I perceived as his inability to accept me, mental illness and all, that I completely missed the fact that I wasn’t accepting who he truly was. And now, I feel I still don’t know who he is.
I recognise my part in all this, but I also accept it wasn’t entirely my own fault. I do think he liked the way I perceived him and tried hard to be that perfect person I believed him to be, never letting on that he was struggling to maintain the facade. Until he cracked and blindsided me with our first breakup.
Perhaps one day I will meet him. The person that he really is.
Whoever I meet, from here on out, I will acknowlege who they are, not who I want or believe them to be. I won’t expect perfection from them, or from myself. If they stumble, I won’t damn them. If I stumble, I won’t damn myself. If they disappoint me, I will ask myself why I am disappointed, not why they acted to disappoint me.
I don’t know if I will go down the manifesting path again. It may be helpful to have a clear idea of what you want, as long as it doesn’t close you off to other possibilities outside of your list. From now on, I’m going to work on being open to whateverand whoever comes my way, and having no preconceptions or expectations.