I’ve made it halfway through my 90 day challenge, so, do I feel that I’m halfway recovered? It depends when you ask me. There have been a few days where I felt like I don’t even have a problem anymore. And some days where I still feel like a have a long way to go. There hasn’t been a day (at least in a long while) that I’ve felt like I’ve made no progress. It would be fair to say that I’m definitely getting better, but I still don’t know how far I have to go. Actually, I don’t think a day will come when I will say, “ok, now I’m perfect! I will stop trying to improve myself.”
Today I would class as a bad day, but I’m trying my best to be objective about my progress. And the fact that I am able to do this is encouraging to me. Objectivity is not something that I would have been able to implement a few months ago.
Yesterday I did go a little haywire again, the first time in a month, and some thoughts of ending it all came into my head. The trigger was lonliness and a change of plans that I wasn’t able to adapt to quickly enough. Once it had time to sink in, I told myself to get over it and stop being a baby, and just make a new plan. I ended up going out anyway and having a good night. I need to work on being able to do this more quickly, before it triggers me, and without anyone even noticing that something went wrong inside my head.
The trigger is feeling like something I’m attached to is being taken from me, whether it is a person or a situation. I don’t adapt quickly enough to the change, and I fight against it, which causes my suffering. Yesterday when it happened, the distress of it made my mind go foggy and I was unable to make a decision about what to do instead, which made me panic and struggle more, in turn making me more foggy and so on, until I was able to calm down enough to make a new decision and act on it. I need to somehow bypass the whole middle part of the sequence, and go straight from a change of plans to making a new plan, without the tantrum.
When it’s happening, I can’t see that there will be a solution, so I can’t get to it. But, perhaps now that I can see this pattern clearly, and know that the eventual outcome will be to simply make a new decision, I will be able to skip the middle bit? I need to practice radical acceptance in order for this to work.
I also want to address the lonliness aspect of the trigger, but I will leave that for another day.
I hope this all makes sense; I’m very tired today and struggling a bit with stringing together a sentence.