There really isn’t much to say today. I’m feeling the worst that I have in ages; the last time I felt this bad was day 22. I guess I should be happy to have had over three weeks of feeling okay.
I’ve been feeling so lonely for the past week, and it’s starting to get to me. I haven’t been able to focus on mindfulness, which is making it worse. I’ve been getting more and more bad thoughts, such as stepping in front of a train – I’m fairly sure I wouldn’t do it, but the thoughts are distressing. I’m getting exhausted by the struggle of trying to recover, and feeling like I have a deadline by which to do it.
Perhaps it’s just tiredness. I can tend to get depressed when I’m run down, and I haven’t been sleeping well lately.
I have a week off next week though, which is getting me down. On the one hand I will get to catch up on sleep, but on the other I will miss out on seeing my friends at college, and having something to take my mind off being lonely. But even being around people isn’t helping much; on the train home today with two of my classmates, it took all my effort to keep from crying until I was alone. I could be surrounded by a hundred people, but it doesn’t make a difference when I no longer exist to the one person I am missing.
I don’t really feel like there is anyone I can talk to frankly about this, except for my therapist, who I’m seeing on Wednesday.
Probably the best thing I can do right now is be patient and ride it out, and remind myself that I won’t always feel this way.
And to not beat myself up about it.