Day 46 – Lonely

There really isn’t much to say today. I’m feeling the worst that I have in ages; the last time I felt this bad was day 22. I guess I should be happy to have had over three weeks of feeling okay.

I’ve been feeling so lonely for the past week, and it’s starting to get to me. I haven’t been able to focus on mindfulness, which is making it worse. I’ve been getting more and more bad thoughts, such as stepping in front of a train – I’m fairly sure I wouldn’t do it, but the thoughts are distressing. I’m getting exhausted by the struggle of trying to recover, and feeling like I have a deadline by which to do it.

Perhaps it’s just tiredness. I can tend to get depressed when I’m run down, and I haven’t been sleeping well lately.

I have a week off next week though, which is getting me down. On the one hand I will get to catch up on sleep, but on the other I will miss out on seeing my friends at college, and having something to take my mind off being lonely. But even being around people isn’t helping much; on the train home today with two of my classmates, it took all my effort to keep from crying until I was alone.  I could be surrounded by a hundred people, but it doesn’t make a difference when I no longer exist to the one person I am missing.

I don’t really feel like there is anyone I can talk to frankly about this, except for my therapist, who I’m seeing on Wednesday.

Probably the best thing I can do right now is be patient and ride it out, and remind myself that I won’t always feel this way.

And to not beat myself up about it.

7 thoughts on “Day 46 – Lonely

  1. hello! cheer up! i’m sure once all these is over, you will be extremely proud of yourself that you got over it – because you definitely would!

  2. There is no ‘deadline’ for your recovery. You take your own time and move at your own pace. Everyone’s different. You’ve had better days before and you know that they will come again, once you get through this right now. 🙂

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