Yesterday was one of the worst days yet. It was so disappointing for me after feeling like I’d made so much progress. I had to leave class early and I cried all the way home on the train. Try as I might to distract myself, the thoughts of ending my life were relentless.
Sometimes I just want the struggle to be over. It makes me so tired to have to constantly fight against my demons. But as I have seen this past week, easing up a bit lets them back in. I’m not sufficiently well enough to be able to let my guard down yet.
Even so, through it all, I did the best I could. Even if I couldn’t keep the bad thoughts at bay, I continued to tell myself that it would pass, as it has before. I gave myself a break, watched some tv and read some interesting articles online, and actually woke up today feeling ok.
Today wasn’t a bad day. I saw my thearapist this afternoon, however, which brought up some more painful emotions. I realised that I feel like I’m being punished somehow; after all, other people get to go through this with a loving partner by their side, so why not me? I know I’ve already discussed in this blog and accepted the reasons why it has to be this way, but it still hurts. And I realised that I’m terrified that no one will love me unless I’m 100% recovered, and in complete control of my emotions. I know this is illogical, but a part of me still feels that if someone was capable of loving me, then he would have. That he gave up on me confirms in me that I’m not fit to be loved. These are both things that will take more work to get past.
I just need to keep plugging away at my mindfulness, to name my emotions as I feel them and practice using my logical mind and not my emotions to guide my actions.
I know I will continue to fall down again and again. And each time I will just have to claw my way back up again. I just pray that each time I fall the land will get softer, and the way back up will become familiar terrain.