Days 47-48 – Clawing Back out of the Hole

Yesterday was one of the worst days yet. It was so disappointing for me after feeling like I’d made so much progress. I had to leave class early and I cried all the way home on the train. Try as I might to distract myself, the thoughts of ending my life were relentless.

Sometimes I just want the struggle to be over. It makes me so tired to have to constantly fight against my demons. But as I have seen this past week, easing up a bit lets them back in. I’m not sufficiently well enough to be able to let my guard down yet.

Even so, through it all, I did the best I could. Even if I couldn’t keep the bad thoughts at bay, I continued to tell myself that it would pass, as it has before. I gave myself a break, watched some tv and read some interesting articles online, and actually woke up today feeling ok.

Today wasn’t a bad day. I saw my thearapist this afternoon, however, which brought up some more painful emotions. I realised that I feel like I’m being punished somehow; after all, other people get to go through this with a loving partner by their side, so why not me? I know I’ve already discussed in this blog and accepted the reasons why it has to be this way, but it still hurts. And I realised that I’m terrified that no one will love me unless I’m 100% recovered, and in complete control of my emotions. I know this is illogical, but a part of me still feels that if someone was capable of loving me, then he would have. That he gave up on me confirms in me that I’m not fit to be loved. These are both things that will take more work to get past.

I just need to keep plugging away at my mindfulness, to name my emotions as I feel them and practice using my logical mind and not my emotions to guide my actions.

I know I will continue to fall down again and again. And each time I will just have to claw my way back up again. I just pray that each time I fall the land will get softer, and the way back up will become familiar terrain.

7 thoughts on “Days 47-48 – Clawing Back out of the Hole

  1. Just to say, a) your layout is really cool. and b) you sound like you’re really trying, and I really respect that, and I can see that from just this one post. Someone will love you for faults and all one day – you just haven’t found him yet – but you don’t need to be 100% because let’s face it, no-one is 100%. Someone will love you one day for sure! x

  2. hello! from my own definition of love, it means loving everything and everyone sincerely. and i really love many of my fellow bloggers (whom i have never met before) for what they do and their life struggles. and I really love how you really put in the effort, that alone i feel, is enough for someone out there to love you for who you are =)

    • Thank you, I hope so. It’s so dumb that I’m so affected by one person not loving me, that I start to believe no one can love me. I need to work out how to move on…

      • I kept on harbouring hopes of getting back with my ex too, even now, the thoughts appear in my head, but they eventually go away because we all have to summon the resolve and move on =)

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