Days 54-55 – Wired for Coupledom

I just read a long thread on, after an article about why it sucks to be single. The article itself was fairly depressing, but the comments thread was a real downer.

I found it pretty shocking how many people out there are so anti-relationship, and completely content to live out their days single. Of course, I wonder how many of those people are really just bitter about not having the option and are trying to convince themselves that they are happy, or have had bad experiences that scare them off relationships forever. Others, though, genuinely seem to prefer and choose singledom. The mere fact that some people believe they are cut out for single life leads me to believe that conversely some people are cut out for couple life. And both perspectives are valid. Neither are indicative of some fundamental flaw in personality.

I think it’s just time for me to accept that I am wired to be in a relationship, and that there is nothing wrong with that. Some of us need to be, or the human race would be in big trouble.

It probably depends a great deal on how accepted you feel in other areas of your life; if you have strong connections with family, friends, colleagues, community, and a fulfilling work life then being single might be just fine. But for others, a romantic relationship is the only closeness we have been able to achieve.

Throughout these last two months of being single, I’ve put a lot of effort into developing these other connections. They have gone some way towards stemming the loneliness I feel, but I can’t deny any longer that something else is missing. And that’s ok. Being single is not who I am. My genetics, my life experiences, the society I am in, my biology and evolution are all propelling me toward a relationship.

It’s not a flaw. It’s part of who I am. Denying that part of me, trying to fit the mould of a happy single, is causing me pain.

Of course, these past two months have helped me recognise that balance is needed. The way I used to function in a relationship was completely unbalanced, unhealthy and unsustainable. I was like an addict, unable to say “no”, or hear “no” from my partner.

It will take constant effort, but I’m ready to try being in a relationship where I am able to respect boundaries, continue on my journey to mental wellness, spend time on my own interests and also nurture the connections I am developing with my family and friends.

And accept my (future) partner’s right to the freedom to do the same.

8 thoughts on “Days 54-55 – Wired for Coupledom

    • Sometimes it’s so hard…it’s easy to have the insights, but putting them into practice is what will take real strength, and I don’t know if I have it in me yet.

  1. That is absolutely brilliant. I am wired for coupledom too. But, I’ve always put a lot of emphasis on home and family, so that’s not surprising.

    I am often confused by those who aren’t. I understand their logic, but my logic fails me. No, I don’t want to make anyone miserable with my disorder. No, I don’t want to drag them into this mess.

    But what if they want to come down the rabbit hole with me, so to speak?

    • If they go into it fully aware of your needs (and you theirs), then that is fine. As long as you don’t drag each other down, and you work hard to get as healthy as you are able. However, in my experience, at the start they all say they want to be in it with you, and then they find it’s way beyond their capabilities, and I get hurt again. But then, I never really tried to get better before. I guess, as long as you feel strong enough to deal with the possibility that they may not actually be able to cope with it, then go for it.

      It’s hard to get my head around the concept of not wanting to be in a relationship…even though I’ve been hurt so badly by some of them. But, I still believe the good outweighed the bad.

      Sorry if this reply was not at all helpful, I’m still a bit confused by everything, and working stuff out.

      • No, it’s fine. I’m happily married, so I know what it’s like to be wired to mate for life, so to speak. I love my husband, even with all of our problems. But, I think that’s exactly what happened. Prior to our relationship, we were good friends. Even without diagnoses, it was clear to both of us that we were damaged goods. It did make it a little easier.

        I’m the last person to ask about relationships. Everyone asks about what makes our relationship so successful, and I can’t answer that. The only thing I have to say is that two people should be friends first. But, then there’s that issue of crossing the friend zone. So, it’s a catch 22, I guess.

  2. Pingback: Days 56-57 – Mind Your Language | From borderline to better

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