Days 61-62 – The Helpful Spanner

What I thought was a spanner in the works has actually turned out to be quite helpful.

I don’t want to go into details here, but an experience that I thought might unravel my work has instead encouraged me to practice some of my new skills, in regards to romantic relationships. Single September has ended and there has been some love interest, and I even felt infatuation at one point. I was worried that it was too soon, but I’m taking it as an opportunity to not become attached and neurotic, to respect boundaries, and get used to the concept of not always getting my way.

When I told my therapist about what had happened, I expected her to say “It’s too soon!”, but she was actually very pleased that I’m using it as an opportunity for growth. Considering a lot of my issues revolve around men and relationships, I think I’m in a good place now to dip my toe in and put some of the theory I have been learning into practice.

She’s very pleased with my progress, as am I. However, she says it’s time for me to stop thinking of myself as something to be fixed in order to be able to be loved. I’m a good person who has some issues that I admit to and am making an effort to resolve, and I deserve to be loved and treated well. It’s time to think about what it is that I need from a relationship.

I know I’ve said in a previous post that I won’t try to manifest anything, and will just take it as it comes, but this is different. There are some things that are non-negotiable in order that I may function well in a relationship. I don’t need to fix every little thing about myself, that would be impossible. Instead, I need to accept that I do have some specific needs, and I deserve a person who can provide those.

This is what I need in a partner:

– Honesty

– Loyalty

– The ability to talk and be open about emotions

– Patience and a willingness to work on the relationship

– Similar sense of humour and level of intellect

– Compassion and empathy

– Physical attraction

– Affectionate

That’s a fairly short list of absolute necessities. It’s not too restrictive; age, nationality, income, or appearance (provided I find him attractive) aren’t important.

I’m going to continue to date, and continue to practice my new skills. Each new person I meet will be an opportunity to grow, not a solution to my problems or a life raft from loneliness. I will be patient until I meet someone who fulfils my basic requirements.

When he comes along, I will be ready.

 

8 thoughts on “Days 61-62 – The Helpful Spanner

  1. Sounds like we’re on the same track here! πŸ™‚ I’ve also had some romantic involvement lately, and I’ve really tried to take it as a learning-experience! Tried to keep myself from thinking “if this is the ONE, he must accept me as I am” and try to take the “I’m going to take it easy and change my behavior this time”. It wasn’t meant to be, and I’m fine with that! Because I didn’t let myself go overboard and go nuts, kept calm and didn’t share too much too soon, it was also much easier to accept that it wasn’t going to work out. I def learned a lot, and I’m left with a good friend too πŸ™‚

    It’s so nice following you, seeing how you improve yourself, your life, and how you are growing! Also interesting to see how much our progress seems to be “similar” in a way. It’s a weird thing to say, but it’s a bit comforting knowing that my own progress isn’t extremely slow compared to someone else in the same situation, and see that it’s okay to have trouble coping sometimes.. πŸ™‚

    We both deserve to be loved, and I’m sure we will be! I prefer to see it as learning people-skills, and coping skills, that are important to have in relation to another person, not as being fixed in order to deserve it πŸ™‚

    • Yeah, I feel like I deserve love now, even it I’m not “fixed”. You’re completely right, about re-phrasing it as learning new skills. We’re not broken!
      I sometimes feel like my progress is slow, but then I think, I’ve come so far in just over 2 months, and I’m still learning more everyday, and I should be proud that I haven’t become discouraged and thrown it all in. My tantrum sucked, but it WAS slightly less intense than previous ones, so that’s very positive πŸ™‚ Small victories, hey?

      I’m not doing so well in terms of getting too excited about the romances I become involved in, but as long as I keep it in mind, I know it will sink in eventually. I can’t expect to master something straight away πŸ™‚ Though, I will be a little bit gutted if this one doesn’t work out, but perhaps being prepared is good? I’m not sure. I’m trying hard to be open to whatever happens.

      Thanks for your support xxoo

      • Small victories indeed πŸ™‚ I think part of the problem with trying to recover from something like this, is that it’s not so much what you do, but what you DON’T do. Like, you might not notice how everyday you are slightly easier to deal with, a bit more manageable in a certain situation, things like that. But it happens too! πŸ™‚
        And I know one thing I hope I nevereverever lose, no matter how much I recover; The ability to get so excited by small things! Just like small flings and romances. The ability to be so overwhelmed with joy and love, is one of the things I actually LIKE about being borderline. I hope I can hang on to that, just need a functioning relapse system in my head for when/if it doesn’t work out.. πŸ™‚ There are things I’m grateful for about this condition, and the ability to feel so much love, is by far one of the most important.. πŸ™‚

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