Things have been pretty good lately in the world of Sparrow. Even so, I’ve noticed that I still get a scared, nauseous feeling whenever the concept of jealousy comes up. When I hear about people who have cheated, (male) exes who have moved on after painful break-ups or how someone’s (usually female) ex is “crazy”, this horrible feeling wells up inside me. And when I consider (hypothetically) entering into a new relationship, the prospect of feeling like this all the time again terrifies me.
They say that jealousy arises when there are trust issues, insecurity, and a fear of loss. And I have all three in spades. As scared as I am, I do still want to be in a relationship again, but I know I need to deal with this first.
I’ve touched on trust and insecurity in this blog before; I’m working on the insecurity and I know trust isn’t something that will come easily to me given my background. I’ve talked about trust a bit with my therapist, and she says I need to believe in what is in front of me (if someone’s actions are consistent with their words, then I shouldn’t seek out a reason to not trust them). However, part of the problem is my hyper-vigilance and belief that I am picking up signals that may or may not be there. I’m either one of the rare people who can detect micro-expressions, or I am paranoid and looking for justification of my fear. Though, there have been quite a few times that my instincts were right and I caught someone in a lie.
The fear of loss aspect is something I haven’t really dealt with much yet, even though it is one of the main factors in borderline personality disorder. Even right now, thinking about my past and trying to pinpoint the events that led to this crippling fear, the nausea has come back. This is a pretty clear signal to me that I’m onto something that needs to be addressed.
Jealousy can drive people to act in ways to avoid losing something they value, and when they aren’t in control of their emotions things get ugly. This is the aspect of my personality that has been the most damaging to my relationships. I’m learning to get control of my emotions, but it is just as important for me to deal with this crushing fear of loss.
I’m terrified of driving away a good person with my mistrust, and causing the thing I fear most; losing a loved one. The fear causes the mistrust which feeds the fear. It’s a vicious cycle that I need to break.
I’m very sleepy right now, so I will bring it up with my therapist tomorrow and write more in depth about dealing with fear of loss in the next couple of days. In the mean time, any advice or insight is welcomed.