Day 80 – Brain: “Fuck you”

Lately I feel like I’ve been doing so well, and then my brain goes, “Fuck you! Here’s some more shit to swill!” Ok, well, maybe not. I’m feeling kind of shitty today, because I’ve started dreaming about my ex again.

I’ve felt like I was almost over the hump towards letting him go, but then the dreams came back. In them, he is always trying to reconcile with me, and though I am reluctant, I give him another chance. And then in the dream I am happy, because we are working things out.

And then I wake up disappointed (though not as devastated as I was in the past). I guess it’s just wishful thinking, and I’m not as “over it” as I’d hoped. The differences in these latest dreams, though, is that I express reluctance towards reconciling. So, perhaps I am finally getting somewhere, I’m just not all the way there yet. Even though there is still a part of me that wants us to be together again, I should be encouraged by the fact that I am starting to question that.

Another important point in my dreams is that it is him who is trying to win me back. In real life he ended our relationship, and it has made me feel completely powerless and wretched. But the dreams are showing me that I hold some of the power now, even if it’s only the power to choose to move on rather than chase after him and stay miserable.

Ok, maybe my brain isn’t such a troll. But it would be better if I could dream that I was already over him. Or, maybe not dream about him at all.

Hey brain, how about that?

10 thoughts on “Day 80 – Brain: “Fuck you”

  1. And my ex started contacting me again to return some hard-disk back (when I’m earning an income 2 times lesser). Seriously… funny how things go

      • There wasn’t any reply back after I said that she’s still a top friend of mine. There really isn’t any need to message such stuff to me when I didn’t ask for any of my stuff back.
        It’s always important to remember that a friendship is something worth treasuring more than a gadget. Whether the other acknowledges you as an equal or not, its better to make friends out of others, rather than enemies. 🙂

  2. Wow, I just wrote a post about this. Stay strong. An ex is an ex for a reason. My ex tries to contact me all of the time, and she is the one that ended it with me.

    • Yes, the person that he was is an ex for a reason. But people can grow and change, after all I am. He’s still an amazing person that will always mean a lot to me, and I hope vice versa, but our problems just got too big for us to deal with together.
      I’ve decided I won’t chase after him, because if he’s not coming to me of his own accord, then he’s not ready and I will end up hurt again. However, I won’t close and lock that door forever.
      I guess the part that requires strength is knowing he may never get there. I’m not sitting around waiting for it anymore.

      • Good for you, it’s good that you have found that strength. Do you think you’ll be able to ever move on if you leave that door open?

      • That’s a valid question. I think it’s possible. We have no contact, and I’m not waiting for him to contact me. The relationship we had is over forever. If he came back into my life in the future, I would approach it as a new relationship with a new person. The people that we will be in the future don’t even exist yet, so I never rule anything out.

      • You really are a wise old owl and dealing with your challenges so very well. Beautiful and inspiring to see 🙂 x

        I think our subconscious mind is extremely powerful and all these dreams, although may bring back some pain are equipping you to deal with your future. x

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