Day 81-83 – T minus 7 days

So, there is one week left of this 90 day challenge. It’s been hard lately to think of things to write about, as I feel I’ve had so many insights and revelations into myself, and now all there is to do is keep practising.

College is almost over for the year, I have one more class (tomorrow) and only two assessments left, and then a three month break. At the moment, the prevailing feeling I am having is one of aimlessness and apprehension, and I know I have to be diligent to not let my boredom turn into depression again.

It would be easy to say that I get depressed when I am lonely, but that wouldn’t be accurate. Even in a relationship I’ve had prolonged periods of major depression, so I think it is something that happens when I’m feeling disconnected from the world. I think being in a new relationship staves off the boredom for a while, but once the novelty wears off I realise again that I’m not really connected with the world, I feel bored, and then depression returns.

What I want more than anything, even more than a romantic relationship right now, is to have a group of close friends that I can have fun with and confide in, and feel accepted by. But sometimes it feels like that is even harder to achieve than getting a boyfriend. It seems that most people already have their group in place and are happy with that, they’re not seeking applications for new friends, and they don’t have the time to put into a new friendship anyway.

So, I’m feeling a little thwarted, because I have been putting in a lot of effort to make friends. Maybe I’m just being impatient, or maybe I’m trying to hard, I don’t know. I have made friends, I just hoped for more closeness than I’ve achieved so far. It seems my approach to friendships is the same as my approach to romance; I go faster than other people are comfortable with.

I guess the lesson here is to be patient, and to not let myself start to think that there is something inherently “unfriendable” about me.

I think social media has made this harder in some ways, because when we look at someone’s Facebook page, all we see is what they’ve chosen to put on display; travelling, socialising, celebrations, etc.  It seems like everyone else’s life is a whirlwind of good times, but we don’t know what is going on between those happy snaps, so we assume that it’s all good times. We know the truth about our own lives, that there are dark periods and stretches of mundanity that we don’t post up, and if we examine our own Facebook page, it probably looks like a whirlwind of good times to everyone else who doesn’t know the truth. But it’s hard to apply that logic when looking at someone else’s page, and it’s easy to feel our lives don’t add up. Our brains automatically assume that what others present is the whole truth, even while knowing that what we present is a construct.

Do other people feel this way?

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