I had a fight with a friend over Facebook yesterday, the details aren’t important. At the end of it though, I found myself apologising for my behaviour; I wanted to acknowledge my role in the matter, knowing that we were both in the wrong. However, no apology from his end came, or even an acknowledgement of my apology. The lack of acknowledgement of my apology was the worst part, for me. I could see that he had seen the message, and 24 hours on, still no response.
For a little while I felt crap about it, and kept trying to pull my mind away from the fight, and how pissed off I was. I didn’t want to waste my time being upset about it. And then it hit me; this person isn’t even worth me getting upset over. For the entirety of our “friendship”, it has been me making an effort, and he would only contact me if he needed help with something. Trying to get his approval made me feel like shit.
Every time we had a disagreement, he blamed it on my “issues”, saying that the disagreement was caused due to my faulty thinking. He claimed to have never had an issue in his life, and was therefore never at fault. I am clear enough on my issues now to know when they are getting in the way, and I am now secure enough to admit when they are.
I don’t need to be friends with someone who tries to make out that I’m “crazier” than I am.
So, I’m going to step back for a while. Not worry about it. Not let it get me down. Not seek his approval. Friendship shouldn’t be about approval seeking, friendship shouldn’t make you feel worthless.
I think it’s easier to give our friends a pass on bad behaviour, because we spend less time with them, and don’t have to settle on just one person, like in a monogamous relationship. But I don’t see why we can’t break up with a friend the way we can with a partner. If it’s not a healthy friendship, we should let it go.
No matter how much I want to make more friends, being alone is better than being with someone who makes you feel on edge, desperate, or worthless. At least I’m nice to me now.
If he decides to be a “real” friend to me, I’ll welcome him back. Otherwise, so long, sucker.