It’s funny, my mood still fluctuates quite a bit, but the range has changed. Some days I can’t believe how good I feel. On those days I feel like I’m just flowing with the Universe. I feel like everything is coming together for me, and I’m finally getting my reward for all the hard work I’ve done in the past four months.
And then I’m down again. Not as down as I have been in the past, but still low enough that the thoughts of ending it all intrude into my mind. I don’t indulge them…I do know these feeling will pass, even when they feel like they are here to stay.
When I’m feeling good, I welcome the idea that things will stay that way. When I’m feeling bad, I despair of it. Does embracing the illusion of permanence of the good feelings make it harder to accept the bad feelings will pass? I don’t know.
Right now the loneliness is back. The plans I have for the weekend are looking like they will be carried out alone again. I guess I’m getting used to it. It’s easier if I tell myself there is something to learn from doing stuff alone. If I can push past the awkwardness I might even have a good time and make new friends. I have before. But it’s still so hard to get out there.
I’ve been failing pretty badly at not getting hung up on The Singer. There have been several serendipitous events lately that have led me to believe the Universe is on my side. So, I’ve been putting out to the Universe that we will marry one day, and I’ve asked my friends to do the same. That isn’t the action of a person who accepts we had one great night and is willing to leave it at that. It’s crazy person stuff. It’s selfish, it’s denying my reality, and stepping on boundaries. But I don’t want to let him slip away, because I so rarely feel a connection with someone the way I did with him.
But, his actions tell me he has no interest in me at all. After our night together he said he wanted to keep in touch, but his replies to my messages are short and not encouraging of further conversation. I’ve initiated conversation with him only three times in the week and a half since we met, so I don’t think I’m being overbearing. But, I guess this is the point to let go, and let the Universe do what it will.
I’m all over the fucking shop.