Last night was the night I had been looking forward to since The Singer promised we’d hang out again when his band was back in my town. I didn’t want to get my hopes up too high, as I didn’t yet know him well enough to trust whether his word meant anything. Nonetheless, I was excited and nervous, unsure how to play it when I saw him.
My friends and I got to the venue just before the first support act, and a couple of the guys from The Singer’s band were out on the merchandise desk. I went up to say hello, and was surprised when they recognised me and greeted me warmly. I even got a hug. We spoke for a while, and then my friends and I went to watch the support acts. I didn’t see The Singer yet.
Finally it was time for the main act, The Singer’s band. I got a position near the stage, nervous about seeing him. When he came on stage and spotted me, he gave me a big smile and a wave, and I was able to breathe again.
I was riveted for the entire show, but, oddly, my friends left halfway through. No way I was going anywhere though. By this point, I was comfortable enough with all the members of the band to know they would most likely be happy to have me hang out with them afterwards.
So I stayed, along with a few other girls who had gone to watch them play. It felt like we were groupies, but it was all very chill. The Singer finally emerged and gave me a hug, and we talked for a while. After all the gear was packed up we went to another club, danced and drank. By this point, The Singer and I hadn’t had much chance to talk. After a couple of hours, my hopes that we would get together again were waning.
Eventually he made his way back to me though. Every time we speak it feels so meaningful. There is never any small talk between us. It will be hard to condense our conversation down here (it was several hours), and I don’t think I could do it justice. Whatever I say he said, it will seem like he’s just not into me.
He said he really likes me, and is very attracted to me, and wants to sleep with me. But he worried that if we slept together again so soon after the first time (three weeks ago), we would start to develop complicated, “relationshippy” feelings for each other, and that neither of us is ready for that. He is still only three weeks out of a relationship that ended horribly and is still giving him drama, and he knows how hard my break up has been on me.
He said he needs some time alone to grow a back bone of his own, and that all he does is hurt people and he wants to stop that. It made me realise too, that I’m not really ready for a relationship. I said to him that more than anything, I want to mean something to someone, and the fact that I feel this way says to me that I still need to work out how to mean something to myself. I’m not strong enough yet to be with someone without losing myself in them, and undoing all the hard work I’ve done in the past few months.
He said he really needs a friend right now. That all of his friends in Sydney have turned on him after the break up. I said “You should move to Brisbane.” He smiled coyly, replied “Maybe,” with a laugh.
Throughout all this, he held my hand, gave me hugs, kisses ranging from pecks on the cheek to full blown making out, and stroked my hair. He said that next time he is in town, we would most likely end up sleeping together again. I went home alone, and he went back to his hotel to get a few hours sleep before another show he has today.
I’m a bit confused. After last night I like him so much more, which I’m not sure was his intention. If he didn’t care about me, would he have just slept with me? Does not sleeping with me mean he doesn’t like me, or that he does? I suppose no one can answer these questions but him, and they are not questions I can ask him right now. I don’t want to push him for more than he can give me. I want to learn to be cool, take it as it comes.
I guess I will just have to wait for round 3.