Day 108 – Finding Myself so as not to Lose Myself

I want a relationship.

Is that in itself a problem? I fear that the correct attitude should be “I’m happy the way things are and I am open to a relationship when I meet the person who inspires those feelings within me.” I fear that until I feel that way, the Universe will hold out on bestowing a relationship upon me.

Ok, so perhaps I’m feeling this way because I have met someone who inspires these feelings within me; The Singer. But after the conversation we had the other day, I realise I’m still terrified that I’m not strong enough for a relationship, and that I will fuck things up again. I’ve made so much progress, but I still have no idea how I will cope with being with someone again.

It’s frustrating, because I have no way to know until I try. But I don’t want to mess up with someone who is important to me. And I don’t want to use someone just as a “test subject”.

It’s all moot anyway, because the opportunity for a relationship has yet to present itself to me.  To make this easier for me, I tell myself that I’m still single because I’m supposed to still be single. I still have more work to do. I still don’t have a solid sense of self or a strong support network, things that I believe are necessary to have in place before entering into a relationship.

During our conversation, I told The Singer I’m still scared of losing myself in a relationship again. Everything I do becomes about pleasing my partner. I have no interests outside of the relationship.

But today I realised; I don’t lose myself in the relationship, because I haven’t found myself yet. And so I find my identity in my partner. I need to find myself first, and then I will be able to be myself when I am with someone else.

I’ve decided, at a minimum, the next month will be dedicated to me. To discovering my values, my interests, my needs and wants. To learning how to be content with myself, being content with spending time with platonic friends, and not constantly seeking out male validation. To learning how to find that validation within myself.

Another month of being single; the thought alone makes me feel empty. But that’s exactly why I need to do it.

10 thoughts on “Day 108 – Finding Myself so as not to Lose Myself

  1. HEY! I’m a fellow blogger who has a podcast, and I will be doing a podcast soon where I will be giving advice to people. I’m your typical(or not so much) teenage girl. Read my latest post to see what kind of advice I will be giving! Perhaps you could ask a question, leave it as a comment on my latest post regarding this podcast! 🙂 Hope to answer some of your questions!

  2. That’s a great idea. I think too often people take alone. Time for granted. Its healthy to be alone and be happy with it. Once you can be comfortable on your own you can truly be happy with someone.

    • Today is such a struggle for me. I’m so lonely, and everything is making me cry. Not sure how to start getting comfortable being alone. Much easier probably when being alone is a choice, and not thrust upon you, the way I feel it is today 😦

  3. Well make sure you know what you wwant in a partner. Life is too short to settle for someone. Maybe you can take up a hobby that will be satisfying and you can view being alone as being free instead of being lonely.

      • It will be worth it in the long run. The better you know yourself, the better you know what you want and more importantly, what you don’t want in someone. This way you can learn everything about yourself and know the things you can and can’t put up with in someone else. Pick up a new hobby and become passionate about something and maybe you will find the perfect person while finding yourself.

  4. For me it’s always been: the minute I stop wanting a relationship and focusing on finding somebody, I meet someone. I think that when we want something so strong, but it doesn’t depend entirely on us, we miss the smaller, but also nice things that happen around us and have potential to make us truly happy. I am sure you will find somebody. Just stop thinking about it and it will happen.

    • The problem with wanting is that it’s hard to truly switch off. But I think when I want something so desperately, it is because I have a belief that I won’t get it, and then the Universe gives me my expectation. So, I will try not to think about the things I want too much! But anyway, I’m having fun being single right now, so if a relationship happens or not, I’m happy 🙂

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