I want a relationship.
Is that in itself a problem? I fear that the correct attitude should be “I’m happy the way things are and I am open to a relationship when I meet the person who inspires those feelings within me.” I fear that until I feel that way, the Universe will hold out on bestowing a relationship upon me.
Ok, so perhaps I’m feeling this way because I have met someone who inspires these feelings within me; The Singer. But after the conversation we had the other day, I realise I’m still terrified that I’m not strong enough for a relationship, and that I will fuck things up again. I’ve made so much progress, but I still have no idea how I will cope with being with someone again.
It’s frustrating, because I have no way to know until I try. But I don’t want to mess up with someone who is important to me. And I don’t want to use someone just as a “test subject”.
It’s all moot anyway, because the opportunity for a relationship has yet to present itself to me. To make this easier for me, I tell myself that I’m still single because I’m supposed to still be single. I still have more work to do. I still don’t have a solid sense of self or a strong support network, things that I believe are necessary to have in place before entering into a relationship.
During our conversation, I told The Singer I’m still scared of losing myself in a relationship again. Everything I do becomes about pleasing my partner. I have no interests outside of the relationship.
But today I realised; I don’t lose myself in the relationship, because I haven’t found myself yet. And so I find my identity in my partner. I need to find myself first, and then I will be able to be myself when I am with someone else.
I’ve decided, at a minimum, the next month will be dedicated to me. To discovering my values, my interests, my needs and wants. To learning how to be content with myself, being content with spending time with platonic friends, and not constantly seeking out male validation. To learning how to find that validation within myself.
Another month of being single; the thought alone makes me feel empty. But that’s exactly why I need to do it.