Waking up this morning lonely and hungover it hit me that I’ve been lying to myself about not wanting a boyfriend. Turns out I do.
Last night I went to see the band of one of the three men that I am interested in, that I wrote about in my last post. The Enigma’s band. And I was hell bent on making something happen with him.
So, I found courage in the free wine that was flowing. By the end of his set I was quite drunk, and most importantly, uninhibited about sharing my feelings with him. So when he came and sat next to me, I let him know. He said he found me attractive too, and after about thirty minutes of flirty conversation, I asked if he would like to come and meet my cat. He played coy for a while, but shortly we set off on the five minute walk to my house. He piggy backed me for a little bit (I can’t remember why), then put me down to walk the rest of the way.
During our conversation earlier in the evening, he tried to trick me into believing he was gay. Afterwards he admitted he wasn’t, and during the walk we returned to this conversation. “I’ve had three boyfriends that ended up being gay,” I told him. “I’m not going to be your boyfriend,” he said in response. “That’s ok,” I said. “I don’t want a boyfriend.” As I said it, only part of me believed it.
We got to my room and sat on my bed. “What do you want to do?” I asked him. “I don’t know,” he replied. “Do you want to make out?” I asked, to which he replied in the affirmative.
We kissed for perhaps a minute, when he pulled away saying that it didn’t feel right. He told me that while he thought I was very cute, I was also very drunk, and he had feelings for someone else. I smiled sadly, said that even though I hated not getting my way I understood, and walked him to the door.
I’m proud of the way I handled the situation; not pushing or wheedling to get my way, and gracefully accepting the free will of another human. It doesn’t change the fact that it feels shitty to be rejected though. But I know if I had’ve tried to manipulate him into staying, I would feel much worse right now.
So, I woke up this morning feeling sad, and knowing that my “not wanting a boyfriend” is a lie.
Two positives came out of a disappointing experience; one) I was able to practice accepting when things don’t go my way and respecting boundaries, and two) I will no longer lie to myself about what I want.
I feel good about that. I’ve been putting out some mixed messages to the universe, and now I plan to be much clearer.