Days 134-136 – Giving the Milk for Free

The day I wrote about feeling like a leper, I ended up meeting with The Enigma.

I went to get a coffee at the cafe he works at, and asked him about the other night; the night that he came home with me but left as it didn’t “feel right”.

He said his ex girlfriend had just returned from India the day before. He alternately referred to her as his girlfriend and his ex-girlfriend, so it’s clear there is some confusion for him there. He said he needed to think about things, but asked for my number.

Later I sent him a text, saying I that I thought we should get to know each other. He appeared to agree with this.

That night I went out to see a band, which I didn’t end up enjoying, so I messaged him to see what he was doing. He got me in to see a better band that I had wanted to see but couldn’t afford a ticket for, which I thought was very kind of him. And then he invited me back to his place.

Before anything happened, I asked about his situation. He said he was “pretty free right now”. So, we had sex, talked for a while, and fell asleep.

In the morning I woke up before him. I woke him up, and said I was going to head off unless he would like to have sex again? He was still half asleep though, so I said “thanks for the sex” gave him a hug and left.

Shit, maybe I’m the asshole here.

Later on I messaged him again to say that last night wasn’t quite what I had in mind when I said we should get to know each other, but would he like to do it again? He replied that he needed to think about it. That was two days ago, and there has been no further contact between us.

I feel like it’s not a great sign and I should just move on, as much as I hate to not take control of a situation. I’m scared of pushing again, and accidentally pushing away the thing I want. Neither of us seem to be very good at expressing what we want. And I’m not entirely sure what I want from him anyway. I’d like to have sex with him again, and don’t know him well enough to know if I want a relationship. I’m not sure how to approach the situation.

I know I will see him again anyway, as I often hang out at the same places as him, and am starting to become friends with his group of friends. That makes things worse too…if I leave it as is I may not have stuffed up the friendships I am forming with the others in the group, and may even keep him as a friend. Maybe it’s too late, I don’t know. I want to stay friends with everyone, but I also want to “see” him again.

I know I need to stop sleeping with men so quickly. But I still have problems with self control, and I had been feeling so lonely that day, and I really like him. And I hadn’t had sex in quite a while! But I will try harder in future to control myself.

It still pisses me off though that it is the woman’s role to control herself when she wants sex just as much as the man.

I would really appreciate some advice right now on the matter. I don’t know whether to contact him again or just wait and see if he contacts me, knowing he may never do it. Should I just lay it all out on the line, or let it go?

7 thoughts on “Days 134-136 – Giving the Milk for Free

  1. Give it some time, and ask him casually. Build up the friendships first. Then pour in some romantic chemistry. Rome wasn’t build in a day 🙂

  2. If he was interested, he would’ve contacted you. Men who want you don’t forget about you. They make it happen. Write him off and free yourself for someone new.

    Don’t ever sleep with someone on the first date, or first meeting. You are worth wayyyy more than than that. Make them work for you.

    Get yourself a vibrator. 🙂 xoxo

    • Yes, I’m inclined to agree. I won’t write him off, but I will back off and not devote my energy to obsessing about it. Unfortunately I’m not only after sex in order to “get off” (which I don’t care much about), it’s the rush I get from sex and I enjoy the contact with another human…a vibrator won’t help me out :p

      • I can tell you from experience that a guy not contacting you doesn’t necessarily mean he doesn’t want to see you again. I was notorious for not getting back in touch with girls after the first date, even if I liked them. I guess I was too scared to mess things up, was scared that if they got to know me.. they wouldn’t want to see me a second time, etc. That happened even with my current girlfriend of 5 years. If she wouldn’t have contacted me, we wouldn’t be together right now.

  3. I must say I don’t quite agree with the comment about writing him off and never having sex on a first date.. My current boyfriend? We “knew off” each other for a while, but ultimately our relationship started with hooking up drunk and waking up the next morning thinking “I thiiiink I remember your name…” And no man has EVER treated me better or been more understanding than this one. We also took some time apart due to misunderstandings and not knowing what we wanted, but eventually we ended up together. In no sense does our beginning or previous issues compromise our relationship today! My advice? See where it leads. He clearly has some issues, and I believe it’s never wise to undermine what someone else is going through. If you feel it’s right to wait with sex – than do so. But if not… Well, don’t you want a guy who respects you for all you are, including being a sexual, intense and independent woman with the right to make her own damn choices? Guys don’t always work like us, especially us emotionally intense hurricanes of Borderlines. I like to think of it this way; I would have built Rome in a day, if it was made up of emotions! But average people don’t. Maybe they need more time, maybe we need to adjust our expectations a bit. Just go with your gut – because I found it’s hard to ever truly trust a man you put up any sort of act to get in the first place. Hope it all works out for you – even if you end up getting him or decide to take a different path.

    • Thank you for your advice, Thunder. I can tell we are very similar in our thought processes. You’re correct in that I shouldn’t have to modify my behaviour or put on an act in order to win someone over…I will just keep on being me, but adjust my expectations.

      I never really considered that he may be going through some emotional turmoil himself right now. I won’t write him off, but will back off, and offer him my friendship should he want it.

      I’m very selective with who I sleep with, so even though I do sleep with some men pretty quickly, I don’t consider myself a slut. I get so excited when I find someone I’m actually sexually attracted to (as it’s pretty rare) that it’s almost impossible to stop myself! I think I’m ok with that. I don’t feel used or disrespected. Usually they stick around…I’ve just had a bit of a bad run lately. And each time (this has happened with each of the three men I have slept since my breakup) it has been due to the involvement of their ex…hmmm, perhaps it keeps happening because I’m missing a lesson.

      Thank you for helping me realise that about myself 🙂

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