It’s getting longer between posts, and I need to stop that. I’m neglecting my mental health a bit, but overall I still think I’m better than I was 6 months ago.
A couple of weeks ago I was rejected again by someone I really liked and who I thought liked me back, and went into a bit of a tailspin. I was even waiting to sleep with him, a big effort for me, but I really wanted things to work with him. He told me he’d prefer to go back to being friends. I don’t understand his reasons. I’m trying to let it go, but I still think about him.
I’ve also started seeing someone else, very casually. We’ve hung out a few times, held hands and kissed, but for me there are no fireworks. He’s lovely, handsome, kind and seems to really like me. But I’m not sure if I should continue seeing him feeling the way I do.
The lack of fireworks has got me thinking about my ex again. And how since him no one has matched him in terms of physical, mental and emotional connection with me. I’ve been deliberating contacting him to catch up, but I’m stopped by the thought that he may ignore me and I will lose my head again, and I’m not even sure if I want to be back with him. There was a lot about our relationship that made me anxious and unhappy, and I still feel hurt by his actions. And I’m not sure I’m ready to hear that he’s moved on, if he has.
I returned to college today, which I’m very happy about. My life is much better now than it has been in about ten years, and I’m grateful for that. Still, I wish this one area of my life would just sort itself out.
I don’t want to wind up the spinster aunt of the family.