The one who I was rejected by in my last post is now the facilitator of my latest growth opportunity. At least, that’s how I’m choosing to approach the situation I now find myself in.
We ended up hanging out together with mutual friends a few weeks ago, and after a few drinks I asked him to explain why he only wanted to be friends. He’s very attracted to me, both physically and mentally, but didn’t want to start a relationship that (in his opinion) would not lead to marriage (because he is ten years younger than me). However, it was obvious that we couldn’t ignore our attraction to each other. He came home with me that night, and every weekend since.
It’s my first experience of having a friend with “benefits”; someone who I am not in an exclusive relationship with but have regular sex with. We talk throughout the week on Facebook, and meet up on the weekend. We spend our time together engaged in activities that a regular couple would engage in, but he doesn’t want to make me his girlfriend. What started out as friends who only had physical contact during sex has gradually extended out into more of what feels like a relationship, in behaviour but not in title.
I know the usual advice would be to run away and not look back, but we have such a good time together, have so much in common, and the sex is amazing. Plus, it’s the perfect opportunity to practise being detached in a relationship.
I sometimes find myself thinking, “Oh fuck, I think I’m in love with him”, and I reprimand myself. Logically, I know it’s just infatuation right now, and I have to keep reminding myself of that. Part of our deal is that I’m allowed to “look for” a boyfriend, and that if I find one we will go back to just being friends. I’m not sure how realistic that is, but it’s nice to think it might be possible.
Of course, I would love for him to one day realise that he wants to be with me too…but in the mean time, I am still open to meeting other men, and doing my darnedest to not get too attached to him. Even if we don’t end up together, I’m hoping it will help me kick the clingy girlfriend habit for good.