Day 319 – Relapse

I got out of hospital yesterday after my second overdose.

This has nothing to do with my “Friend with Benefits”. My relationship with him actually ended several weeks ago, mutually and amicably. We have remained friends, but without the benefits.

The catalyst for this relapse? Someone I met online. We have yet to meet in person, but things got intense very quickly. It started about two weeks ago, with daily letters, leading to all day text conversations, and finally, for the past week, several hours on Skype each night.

I put all my eggs in this basket. I thought I’d finally found someone who got me, and he expressed the same sentiment. As a matter of fact, he was the first one to say that.

“You don’t have to be afraid to tell me anything,” he said. “I’ve been looking at flights,” he said.

This is it, I thought. The moment to tell him what might be the deal breaker.

He was somewhat taken aback, asked me a few questions, and then said he needed time to think about it. We then continued our conversation for another couple of hours, talking normally. There was no tension, or indication that anything was wrong.

The next morning I sent him a message asking if he’d had any thoughts on what we discussed the night before. I admit it may have been premature, but I was anxious. I saw he had read my message, but didn’t reply. So I began to spiral, thinking the worst. Being ignored is one thing that triggers me. By the time he replied two hours later, I was a mess.

He said he hadn’t had time to think about it because he’d only just woken up. But with the state I was in I couldn’t handle any more suspense and I pushed him for some kind of answer. He said, fairly I admit in retrospect, that he couldn’t give me an answer yet.

Then he began to tell me a story, about one of his ex-girlfriends. When he tried to break up with her, she attempted suicide by overdose of prescription medication. As he told me this story, all the pain I felt from my similar experience came up, and I couldn’t help but start crying again.

Turns out it was a deal breaker for him.

I had to wait another 30 hours to find this out. We both had other things we had to do that day, and agreed to talk the next day. I was beside myself with anxiety the entire time. So when it finally came out that he could no longer pursue a relationship with me, it all exploded outwards. I lost my shit. I begged for an hour for him to reconsider. He said he couldn’t save me. He couldn’t be responsible for me. I told him I didn’t want these things. Just that I wanted someone to give me a chance as I am. That I’d been working so hard to save myself, and that all I wanted was for someone to hold my hand through it.

I couldn’t take the pain of being discarded again. I don’t think I was trying to die, I just wanted the pain to go away. I wanted the world to go away.

I still do. Each rejection gets harder and harder. What is the lesson to be found? Why am I being tested in this way? All I want is to be loved by someone that I love. Someone I can make a family with. In my eyes, a life without this is a life not worth living. I understand that this is not true for everyone, but it is true for me.

The work I do is for nothing if I still can’t find love.

9 thoughts on “Day 319 – Relapse

  1. I admire your honesty. You will find the right person for you. I have been trying to be more honest & open with people about who I really am & how I really feel, but it’s hard. It feels like the more I am truly myself, the more rejected I feel by people’s reactions. I have had bouts of depression ever since I was an adolescent, mostly seasonal. I covered it up a lot because I didn’t want to burden other people and didn’t want to be judged. Two years ago I had a situation where I was sexually assaulted by the man I trusted most & I went completely off the deep end. I had to seek therapy (first time) and I only told 4 people about what happened to me. My therapist and one friend have been helpful, especially the friend since I can no longer afford therapy. One friend pulled away from mme a lot. when I was honest about having a bad day. That hurt. I felt like she was sick of my whining. I really needed her and felt rejected. The guy I was involved

    • Hi Nicole, did your comment get cut off?
      I know…it sometimes feels like just when I start to trust someone, they turn around and show me that I was wrong to. And I don’t trust easily, so it’s getting harder, and hurting more when I do. Right now everything is black so I don’t know what else to say, but thank you for reading and commenting. I don’t want to hide who I am, because it will all come out in the end and I din’t want to feel like I’ve mislead them..but what to do when no one will give us a chance to be loved for who we really are?

  2. Hi.

    I have been following your blog for a while now and was just revising yesterday, wondering why you hadn’t posted for so long. I am going to share something you may not want to hear but it’s a lesson I learnt the hard way. I live with BPD, PTSD and severe chronic depression and having had 2 overdose experiences myself I had a really hard time for a very long time. Living with severe and unresolved BPD issues makes relationships difficult. Very difficult. To the point where if you do someone who loves you enough to stick with you no matter what, that person becomes your victim. Nothing could be worse, of course. In my case, the person who loved me the most is also the person I abused the most and, considering that the array of disorders I have stems from a deeply traumatising and abusive childhood, I still have issues living with the thought that I became the monsters of my childhood. These, however, I managed to mitigate through years of going to therapy, improving my self-awareness, my way of framing life in order to find more happiness and by knowing that I gave her plenty of opportunities to leave which she didn’t take. I cannot be responsible for another adult’s choices.

    Moving on to having a family… I want one so bad. I’ve been with my partner close to 6 years now and it would be great to think of having kids in another 2-3 years but… as I told her, I am not ready to have kids any time soon. While I am not fully responsible for emotionally abusing an adult who knows the list of disorders I suffer from, I would be fully responsible for bringing up a child in an environment with a person as unstable as me. As painful as it is to say it, I know there is a big chance I would end up being emotionally abusive to the child as well and then I truly would become the monster of my childhood, passing on a tradition of abuse.

    That being said, I completely know where you’re coming from. I agree that a life without the prospects of love and family is a life that looks very grim. But that should be an incredibly potent incentive to find a way to better understand yourself, be loving and kind to yourself and, then, find someone to truly accept you for who you are. But I would suggest that they all come with time.. and that they should come in a certain order. Sadly, I might never accept to have kids, despite wanting them desperately, and that’s a burden I have to live with. However, it’s also strong motivation to get my shit together, to love, understand and be kind to myself.

    Last thing I wanted to say, it is normal for people like us to be afraid of truly letting people in. In theory, we shouldn’t be afraid. If we don’t risk putting ourselves out there, how could we possibly be known, understood and loved? The reality is that we are afraid, we do suffer and people do turn us down. The reality is also that it happens to everyone, we just take rejection harder than others. The reality is that all of the things will slowly and gradually be better once you start loving and being kind to yourself.

    And never try to kill yourself again. I’ve thought about it several times after my two initial attempts. But I’ll be damned if I went through so many years of struggle and shit to give up. Maybe you could find your resilience in something similar. And for the love of brick, you have people who care about you, visit your blog, support you, etc. Contact one of them if you need someone to talk to honestly and freely. You are never truly alone.

    Stefan.H

    • Hi Stefan,

      I’m sorry it has taken me so long to reply to you comment. But I want you to know that I read it, and it means a lot that you took the time to assemble such a heartfelt comment. I’m still not sure what to reply though.

      The decision to not have children is one that I do understand, but I’m also faced with the prospect of missing out completely if I don’t act soon, and that thought near kills me. I’m terrified, too, of having children and treating them the way my father treated me, so I’m very torn on this. But as it happens, currently it is not my decision to make, it is one the Universe seems to be making for me. My instinct would be to scramble to find someone to have a child with as soon as possible, but I’m learning now that I can’t keep forcing things where relationships are involved. So, I’m trying to come to terms with the idea that it may never happen.

      It’s hard, and it’s painful. I can only hope the Universe has something better in store for me, or at least one day the pain will pass and I will find fulfillment elsewhere.

      I won’t try to kill myself again. I’ve reached a fork in the road, and I’m taking the path where I get better.

      Sparrow

  3. Do not be ashamed of who you are or your experiences. True unconditional love is just that – unconditional. Without fear. You, my love, have brought forth honesty in this blog and raised very interesting and important points. There are hundreds, I’m sure thousands of other people, who have similar situations (an std, illness, fear of rejection, etc) and they (including me) need to find answers… And people to connect with to realize we are not alone. Why try to make the world go away when you are your world? Value yourself, take care of yourself, love yourself… I had to learn these lessons… So that I do not seek outside fulfillment… Bc ultimately, until I find my twin soul, these ppl/things can only fulfill me so much or temporarily. I have found a peace, understanding, and joy in my solitude and Self Love. You ARE worthy of love, you must believe this in order to attract your mate. Don’t forget this… Look up law of attraction of you need to understand more. Also encourage you to check out my spirituality and heart matters categories… I posted things that may help you with your healing.

    Love & Light,
    T.O.

  4. Hi, charmedbylove here, I just changed my profile name.

    You deserve a guy who would care about you for whatever body shape or condition you are. And not superficially based on appearances, but loving you for your heart. Take this experience as a blessing in disguise. Perhaps you’re lucky that you found another that only judges superficially, and that you still have a shot at someone out there who would love you wholeheartedly.
    In turn, do not worry about rushing into a relationship.

    Remember how you were like in your previous posts when you were heartened by yourself for standing strong alone? Build up that courage, independence, because you would be the envy of everyone as you’re able to stand tall by yourself. And you would stand hand in hand with a guy in future. And bring that mental toughness to your kids, be the mom that they can rely on.

    I know you can, I’m rooting for you.
    Smiles =)

  5. Pingback: Day 323 – Confronting the Devil, Part 1 | From borderline to better

  6. Pingback: Day 355 – Nothing. | From borderline to better

  7. Pingback: Day 370 – Group Therapy | From borderline to better

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