I got out of hospital yesterday after my second overdose.
This has nothing to do with my “Friend with Benefits”. My relationship with him actually ended several weeks ago, mutually and amicably. We have remained friends, but without the benefits.
The catalyst for this relapse? Someone I met online. We have yet to meet in person, but things got intense very quickly. It started about two weeks ago, with daily letters, leading to all day text conversations, and finally, for the past week, several hours on Skype each night.
I put all my eggs in this basket. I thought I’d finally found someone who got me, and he expressed the same sentiment. As a matter of fact, he was the first one to say that.
“You don’t have to be afraid to tell me anything,” he said. “I’ve been looking at flights,” he said.
This is it, I thought. The moment to tell him what might be the deal breaker.
He was somewhat taken aback, asked me a few questions, and then said he needed time to think about it. We then continued our conversation for another couple of hours, talking normally. There was no tension, or indication that anything was wrong.
The next morning I sent him a message asking if he’d had any thoughts on what we discussed the night before. I admit it may have been premature, but I was anxious. I saw he had read my message, but didn’t reply. So I began to spiral, thinking the worst. Being ignored is one thing that triggers me. By the time he replied two hours later, I was a mess.
He said he hadn’t had time to think about it because he’d only just woken up. But with the state I was in I couldn’t handle any more suspense and I pushed him for some kind of answer. He said, fairly I admit in retrospect, that he couldn’t give me an answer yet.
Then he began to tell me a story, about one of his ex-girlfriends. When he tried to break up with her, she attempted suicide by overdose of prescription medication. As he told me this story, all the pain I felt from my similar experience came up, and I couldn’t help but start crying again.
Turns out it was a deal breaker for him.
I had to wait another 30 hours to find this out. We both had other things we had to do that day, and agreed to talk the next day. I was beside myself with anxiety the entire time. So when it finally came out that he could no longer pursue a relationship with me, it all exploded outwards. I lost my shit. I begged for an hour for him to reconsider. He said he couldn’t save me. He couldn’t be responsible for me. I told him I didn’t want these things. Just that I wanted someone to give me a chance as I am. That I’d been working so hard to save myself, and that all I wanted was for someone to hold my hand through it.
I couldn’t take the pain of being discarded again. I don’t think I was trying to die, I just wanted the pain to go away. I wanted the world to go away.
I still do. Each rejection gets harder and harder. What is the lesson to be found? Why am I being tested in this way? All I want is to be loved by someone that I love. Someone I can make a family with. In my eyes, a life without this is a life not worth living. I understand that this is not true for everyone, but it is true for me.
The work I do is for nothing if I still can’t find love.