Things have been very intense with The Onliner. Sometimes things are great and sometimes we fight when he thinks I’m playing games with him. Generally he’s very open with me and accepting of my issues, but for the past few days we’ve been struggling to get past them. I know he’s struggling with his own issues but suddenly he has shut off and doesn’t trust me enough to share them.
Last night after a particularly bad fight, caused by a joke I made that went over very badly and him not believing that I meant it as a joke, we finally got past it and arranged a Skype date for tonight. I was so excited, we were going to dress up like a real date and have a few drinks together, so I went out and bought some wine and vodka this afternoon.
About two hours before our date he cancelled, saying he wasn’t feeling well and that he needed to sleep it off. No sorry, no reschedule, nothing.
I know it’s probably true, as he had a big night last night and is most likely very hungover, but with the delicate state our relationship is in, I’m not coping very well at all.
I’m having the thoughts of taking all the pills I can scrape together again. I can’t take the pain of being “abandoned”. Especially when I start to think, “who is ever going to be able to put up with someone with borderline personality disorder?”
I’m not a bad person. I’m a good person. I care about other peoples feelings. I care about the world. I don’t ever want to hurt anybody. I just want someone to be patient with me, understanding and love me.
I’m starting to believe that will never be possible, and as I can’t live without that, why even bother?
I don’t deserve this life.