Day 330 – I’m not a bad person

Things have been very intense with The Onliner. Sometimes things are great and sometimes we fight when he thinks I’m playing games with him. Generally he’s very open with me and accepting of my issues, but for the past few days we’ve been struggling to get past them. I know he’s struggling with his own issues but suddenly he has shut off and doesn’t trust me enough to share them.

Last night after a particularly bad fight, caused by a joke I made that went over very badly and him not believing that I meant it as a joke, we finally got past it and arranged a Skype date for tonight. I was so excited, we were going to dress up like a real date and have a few drinks together, so I went out and bought some wine and vodka this afternoon.

About two hours before our date he cancelled, saying he wasn’t feeling well and that he needed to sleep it off. No sorry, no reschedule, nothing.

I know it’s probably true, as he had a big night last night and is most likely very hungover, but with the delicate state our relationship is in, I’m not coping very well at all.

I’m having the thoughts of taking all the pills I can scrape together again. I can’t take the pain of being “abandoned”. Especially when I start to think, “who is ever going to be able to put up with someone with borderline personality disorder?”

I’m not a bad person. I’m a good person. I care about other peoples feelings. I care about the world. I don’t ever want to hurt anybody. I just want someone to be patient with me, understanding and love me.

I’m starting to believe that will never be possible, and as I can’t live without that, why even bother?

I don’t deserve this life.

5 thoughts on “Day 330 – I’m not a bad person

  1. you deserve this life girl. scrap whatever personality disorders the psychologist has diagnosed you with. do not internalize it.

    you just listed down your hopes for the future, your care about the world. dont give it up. let those feelings drive you towards happiness. you deserve it =)

  2. From reading your posts you seem like an intelligent, sensitive and (seeing your picture) a beautiful woman. Though I guess those words will probably hurt instead of be a comfort at this time, try to think about them for a few minutes.
    Hang in there! I know I do…

  3. Hi, I have been reading many blogs lately to better understand the situation I am in with my ex-gf that is dealing with BPD. I have never bothered to leave a comment on anyone’s site, but I have read more than half of your entries and I wanted to thank you for spending the time to share the struggles in your life with someone like me who stands on the outside. I feel like I am beginning a better understanding of what my ex-gf is going through and whether I can be of any help to her is yet to be seen. I love her dearly for the good person I know she is whether she is in a relationship with me of any capacity or not.

    For me, love is understanding, respect, and giving. It sounds like you have respect for yourself and that is why you are attempting to understand and improving your inner life. The mere fact that you are trying to achieve this makes you a valuable individual. Your blog in-part has eased my pain as I have been extremely confused and hurt for the last year. Thank you for sharing and know that you have helped one individual out in this life by giving of your self. That is a gesture of love for others and I respect you for your courage.

    • Hi David,
      Thank you so much for taking the time to comment. I don’t know if you realise how much it means to me that someone is trying to understand BPD, rather that just cutting a person out of their life because they are too difficult. Even if that person isn’t me and I have yet to find the person that can do this for me, I now know that they exist. And that gives me hope too. You need to protect yourself too, of course, but people with BPD really need someone who won’t make all their fears come to pass again, namely by “abandoning” them. I’m sorry if this reply doesn’t make the most sense, but I’m about to rush of to work but really wanted to let you know how much your comment means to me.

  4. Pingback: Day 373 – Post 100 – Mixed Emotions | From borderline to better

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