Day 350 – Starting Over, but not from Square 1

This past month my life has again spiraled out of control. Most of this entire year I have neglected my recovery, and in a lot of ways I feel like I have slid all the way back to where I was this time last year. I have been angry with myself, admonishing that if only I had kept on top of it, things may have worked out with The Onliner. Which, you may have gathered, they haven’t.

But meeting someone again who I feel this strongly about, has, in a way, been a godsend. The way I’ve felt, and the desperation it has driven me to has forced me to get back on track. This time, I feel I really have reached breaking point. My life CANNOT continue in this vein, I believe that. I WILL NOT accept my life like this. I’ve been grappling with a lot of suicidal thoughts these past few weeks. It’s either end it, or change it.

The former is very tempting. It’s as if there is a devil on my shoulder, whispering in my ear. “All this pain can be over now, if you want it to be”, it says, sweetly. Luckily there sits on my other shoulder, a tiny glimmer of hope. And that is enough to guide me back from the darkness. But still, it’s faint. A tiny prick of light in a pitch black cave, the size of which cannot be seen.

I went back and read a lot of my old posts last night. And I’ve realised my anger at myself for failing again is unreasonable. I can’t expect to learn such a big lesson in one go. It would be nice, but probably impossible. I still have all the knowledge of what I learned last year inside of me, I just need to practice more. The perfectionist in me loves to give up when I don’t succeed right away. But giving up again will guarantee me what I fear the most, ending up alone.

This fear is something I am trying to address. It is the thing that drives me, controls me like a puppet. But it’s not an easy thing to let go of. It’s fear stopping me from letting go of fear, making me feel like I’m caught in some kind of paradox.

I happened to turn on the tv the other day and Drop Dead Fred was playing. In that movie, the main character is controlled by her fear of being alone, and in the end she let go of this fear, just by yelling “I’m not afraid of you!” Like magic, she was cured. It made me pretty angry, it felt like a lie.

The trivialising nature of the movie is what made me angry, but maybe there was an element of truth to it’s approach. Maybe we have to one day just stop being so scared. I think the only way to do this is to find replacements for the beliefs that are creating the fear, though, which the movie neglected. As far as psychological documentaries go, Drop Dead Fred is pretty sub-par 😛

So, that is the approach I am taking now, reframing my beliefs. One of the hardest to change is the belief that nothing good will happen for me if I don’t make it happen. If I’m not persistent, if I stop pushing for what I want, if I let go of control. But it should be obvious to me by now that these actions have only brought me heartbreak when I use them in relationships.

I’m not actually insane. So I suppose it’s time to stop doing the same thing over and over and hoping for a different outcome.

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