It seems like the only way I can move forward is by letting go. Letting go of control, letting go of attachment, letting go of trying to get what I want. The problem is, my brain equates letting go with giving up hope.
My brain is saying, if I let go then I can never hope to find love. If I let go, my hope for ever being happy is gone too. And how can I go on in the absence of hope?
I know I must be missing something here, but it just won’t compute.
I’ve also convinced myself that the universe will never give me what I want, as long as I want it. So the only way is to stop wanting to find love. What kind of shitty, vindictive universe is this?
I just can’t see the difference between letting go and giving up hope.
I’ve been reading articles and watching videos to try to work it out, but it just won’t get through my skull. I think there is something wrong with me. Haha, duh.
My friend is fighting tooth and nail to try to get me to meditate; he sees it as the solution to all of our problems. But, I keep coming up against a brick wall. In my warped brain, meditation will force me to let go, which means I will lose hope, which means I will lose the only thing keeping me going right now. To me, meditation = death.
I can’t move forward; I’m paralysed by the fear of having to let go. I’m terrified of being left with nothing.
I don’t want to die, but I feel I’m being backed into a corner, and the only way clear is to go over the edge. I want to hold on to my glimmer of hope. But that terrifies me too. Is the glimmer of hope the thing that is keeping what I want from me? The thing that is telling the universe what to withhold?
I’m feeling so lost, and the darkness is closing in. Please don’t wink out, little glimmer. I need you.