Day 351 – Letting Go ≠ Giving Up Hope?

It seems like the only way I can move forward is by letting go. Letting go of control, letting go of attachment, letting go of trying to get what I want. The problem is, my brain equates letting go with giving up hope.

My brain is saying, if I let go then I can never hope to find love. If I let go, my hope for ever being happy is gone too. And how can I go on in the absence of hope?

I know I must be missing something here, but it just won’t compute.

I’ve also convinced myself that the universe will never give me what I want, as long as I want it. So the only way is to stop wanting to find love. What kind of shitty, vindictive universe is this?

I just can’t see the difference between letting go and giving up hope.

I’ve been reading articles and watching videos to try to work it out, but it just won’t get through my skull. I think there is something wrong with me. Haha, duh.

My friend is fighting tooth and nail to try to get me to meditate; he sees it as the solution to all of our problems. But, I keep coming up against a brick wall. In my warped brain, meditation will force me to let go, which means I will lose hope, which means I will lose the only thing keeping me going right now. To me, meditation = death.

I can’t move forward; I’m paralysed by the fear of having to let go. I’m terrified of being left with nothing.

I don’t want to die, but I feel I’m being backed into a corner, and the only way clear is to go over the edge. I want to hold on to my glimmer of hope. But that terrifies me too. Is the glimmer of hope the thing that is keeping what I want from me? The thing that is telling the universe what to withhold?

I’m feeling so lost, and the darkness is closing in. Please don’t wink out, little glimmer. I need you.

4 thoughts on “Day 351 – Letting Go ≠ Giving Up Hope?

  1. hey, I think you’ve heard of “The Last Lecture”, by Randy Pausch. He too, faced a brick wall, but continued to make good of his life before going away to cancer. You have your own brick walls now, so take it down girl =) here’s the link to his famous lecture, go watch it!

  2. Letting go is such a tough concept to grasp and even more difficult to practice. I found that I had to get to a point of annihilation to allow all of the non-useful/destructive frameworks to fall away. Essentially, it became more painful to continue to abide by those structures and sustain them than it would have been to stop acknowledging their existence, and further, refuse to conform to them. Refusal felt good. In fact, I had to refuse more than a few times to see that. But once you know, you know. Hopefully it won’t take 46 years for you to see this like it did for me. But even if it takes 80 years, the outcome is worth it.

  3. Thank you for writing about your struggles. Hang in there! I think I understand some of what you’re going through. You said you feel like letting go (like meditating) is also letting go of hope. For me, letting go means loss & it scares me… Loss of a person, a possession (not quite a hoarder, but close), loss of safety, loss of control, loss of certainty,etc. makes me extremely anxious. I get too attached & sentimental, which is why my house is cluttered & I seem to be the queen of the long, slow, torturous breakups of relationships that I kept trying to make work. With meditation – letting go is actually a relief from the stress of trying to be in control all the time, relief from the frustration when you keep hitting a wall, relief from whatever is consuming your thoughts & feelings. There are many different forms of meditation and there’s no harm in trying a few to see what’s comfortable… CD’s for guided meditation are the easiest. Yoga is great if you need to actively be doing something, and the stretching really helps you feel more relaxed & positive afterwards. If it’s hard to shut off your brain (a problem I have) & you find your mind wandering during any meditation, just refocus on the present. My therapist challenged me to go for a walk & try not to think or dwell on things. Normally on a walk I work out my problems, but instead I had to stay completely present in the moment, in my body, not my head. Use all your senses… Really pay attention to the smells, the sounds & the things you see. It wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be. In order to stay focused I found myself having to talk out loud, “Look at the beautiful pink flowers in that yard. Oh, I hear a lawn mower. Wow, the guy behind the mower is hot! (Did I just say that out loud?) The fresh cut grass smells nice.” Etc. Hopefully no one heard me, especially that hot guy. LOL I was able to do it, though I kept finding myself dwelling on relationship issues & had to refocus on my surroundings & talk to myself again. Challenge yourself to do what is difficult. What’s the worst that can happen? Let’s say you did let go, and it made you feel like you gave up hope for that moment, but would you continue to feel hopeless or can you bring that spark of hope back? There have been many, many, many days where I felt like I lost hope.

    Listen to “COURAGE” by Orianthi. “Courage is when you’re in pain, but you keep on livin’ anyway.”

    It is such a beautiful, inspiring, uplifting, empowering, hopeful song! Some days it is the only thing that helps me hang on & find that hope again. There are people in your life who love you! You make a difference in the lives of everyone who reads your blog. What you do – baring your soul to the world – takes tremendous courage. You are lovable, you are loved and you will find more love in the future. You deserve someone who appreciates you for who you are & that’s worth waiting for. You will find that love one day! Maybe the universe isn’t vindictive, it’s just giving you time to work on loving & appreciating yourself, giving you time to help the world with your blog. Or maybe that special person is out there, but he’s not ready yet, he’s still struggling with his own issues. These are the things I remind myself when I’m sobbing because i miss that feeling of being in a relationship with someone who really got me, understood me, loved and accepted all of me, the good & bad, and looked at me like I was the most beautiful creature he had ever laid eyes on. (It’s been a very long time and I miss him so much. He struggled with Bipolar disorder & committed suicide in 2002.) Should I hang on to my current, disfunctional relationship, or face my fear, let go & hope for a better one? Some days i wonder if I’m too old (43) to ever have that kind of special relationship again and get down on myself about how I look, & all the ways I fail. But look around and everywhere you go there are couples. They aren’t supermodels. They are young, old, really old, all different shapes & sizes. They’ve found love; it will happen for us too. My past relationships have all started when I wasn’t looking for love Yesterday I saw a good quote that sums it up – “Learn from the past, live in the present, hope for the future.”

    • Thank you so much for your comment, Nicole. I’m not sure why it hasn’t occurred to me that hope is something that waxes and wanes, and is rarely constant. I’ve been so scared to let it go, thinking that it would be lost forever. Today I felt like all hope was gone, but taken from me without my consent, and I’m in a lot of pain. I don’t know where I’m going with this comment, actually. I will try to hold on for the day that hope returns. I couldn’t even decide which notebook to buy today (spiral or staple?), so I guess it’s not the time to make any decisions about whether I stay on Earth or not.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s