Day 353 – It was all lies

My father called me tonight. He claimed to be concerned about my well-being. He said he wanted to help.

But then it all went south.

Even though he had accepted blame for what he did to me as a child when we met a few weeks ago, tonight he went back on it all. He denied it happened. He denied any fault of his own. He denied he was ever violent. He blamed ME for the unfair way I treated him when I was a child. WHEN I WAS A CHILD. We left when I was 11 years old, and he blames me.

He denied ever beating any of us. But then he said if he did it was because of the way we treated him. He said my mother was always drunk, and that’s why he hit her. My mother NEVER drank. And he didn’t just hit her. He put her in the hospital, nearly dead. She spent a week there. We spent nights in women’s shelters when it wasn’t safe to go home.

Eventually our conversation degenerated into a screaming match. And he became completely unreasonable. He said I needed to face up to the fact that I’m a lesbian, and that is the reason I have so many problems with men. He went on and on about it. I said goodbye and hung up, though his raving never let up.

A lesbian, ha! If there is anything I know about myself, it is that I’m not a lesbian.

He’s delusional. He hasn’t changed. He was just on his best behaviour that day we met.

And now he’s hassling my family, and it’s all my fault. He knows where I live, and I no longer feel safe.

He hasn’t gotten any better. I’m terrified this means I won’t either. But I’m not my father.

I want to get better. I’m not my father.

I’m not delusional. I’m not my father.

I’m sorry that I brought this on my family.

I had hopes that mending my relationship with him would somehow help me get better too. But that will not happen. But I don’t need him in order to get better.

I feel like I should feel worse than I do. With everything happening lately, I didn’t need this too. I expected this to push me over the edge. Maybe I’m still numb. Or maybe I’m stronger than I thought I was. Probably a bit of both.

I currently feel like I have no future. I try to project myself into it, but there is nothing there. I should feel scared. But I still feel numb. Or maybe it means I’m free. Or maybe I’m just emotionally and mentally exhausted.

Maybe I can just concentrate on being in the present. It actually feels pretty nice.

Past, you can go fuck yourself. I’m not going to let you control me anymore. Future, you don’t exist. You can’t control me either.

5 thoughts on “Day 353 – It was all lies

  1. Dear Sparrow

    I was so sorry to read your blog today. I understand a little of the pain, and I am terribly sad for you and your mother.

    I think you are dealing with it bravely and well. You are courageous, reasonable and this is not your fault. I can say this again – this is not your fault. Your father cannot help himself – hate his illness but please don’t blame yourself. It is not your fault.

    As a loved one of mine says “this too shall pass”.

    My heart is with you – and I share whatever strength I have with you. I send it to you with love.


  2. Dear Sparrow,

    I am so sorry this happened to you. You don’t deserve it. He’s in denial because he can’t take responsibility for what he did and can’t face the consequences of the damage he caused you & your family. You know your memories are real & you are dealing with everything with strength & courage. You will get better!

    Your story actually reminds me a bit of the story I read about the woman who started the clinic I used to go to. When i was in the waiting room I would read a little bit more of the book. There are some differences between you, of course, but ultimately it is a hopeful story. You might like to read it sometime. It’s called Selma’s Spirit ~ A Story of Love and Forgiveness, which relates her personal experience of healing from childhood abuse.

    You’ve come so far in your life, you’re stronger than you think, & you will get through this too!

  3. Hey its important to know that there is a better tomorrow, with a stronger you! And its also important to savour in the present, and know that the past has equipped you well to deal with whatever nonsense that would be thrown at you. Keep well =)

  4. Hi, I’ve liked this in a, sorry for what you’re going through kind of way. Not a, I’m glad you’re going through this. Unfortunately my dad is a tool also & does not believe all the shitty things he’s done are his fault. There is always someone else to blame apparently.

  5. Pingback: Day 366 – “But I’m a Victim…” | From borderline to better

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