My father called me tonight. He claimed to be concerned about my well-being. He said he wanted to help.
But then it all went south.
Even though he had accepted blame for what he did to me as a child when we met a few weeks ago, tonight he went back on it all. He denied it happened. He denied any fault of his own. He denied he was ever violent. He blamed ME for the unfair way I treated him when I was a child. WHEN I WAS A CHILD. We left when I was 11 years old, and he blames me.
He denied ever beating any of us. But then he said if he did it was because of the way we treated him. He said my mother was always drunk, and that’s why he hit her. My mother NEVER drank. And he didn’t just hit her. He put her in the hospital, nearly dead. She spent a week there. We spent nights in women’s shelters when it wasn’t safe to go home.
Eventually our conversation degenerated into a screaming match. And he became completely unreasonable. He said I needed to face up to the fact that I’m a lesbian, and that is the reason I have so many problems with men. He went on and on about it. I said goodbye and hung up, though his raving never let up.
A lesbian, ha! If there is anything I know about myself, it is that I’m not a lesbian.
He’s delusional. He hasn’t changed. He was just on his best behaviour that day we met.
And now he’s hassling my family, and it’s all my fault. He knows where I live, and I no longer feel safe.
He hasn’t gotten any better. I’m terrified this means I won’t either. But I’m not my father.
I want to get better. I’m not my father.
I’m not delusional. I’m not my father.
I’m sorry that I brought this on my family.
I had hopes that mending my relationship with him would somehow help me get better too. But that will not happen. But I don’t need him in order to get better.
I feel like I should feel worse than I do. With everything happening lately, I didn’t need this too. I expected this to push me over the edge. Maybe I’m still numb. Or maybe I’m stronger than I thought I was. Probably a bit of both.
I currently feel like I have no future. I try to project myself into it, but there is nothing there. I should feel scared. But I still feel numb. Or maybe it means I’m free. Or maybe I’m just emotionally and mentally exhausted.
Maybe I can just concentrate on being in the present. It actually feels pretty nice.
Past, you can go fuck yourself. I’m not going to let you control me anymore. Future, you don’t exist. You can’t control me either.