Walking to my bus yesterday, I saw my neighbour and her little boy in the main street of our town. Nothing strange there, except I don’t often see her around except for near our houses. Then I saw a man crossing the street carrying two cups of coffee, one in each hand. This stood out to me as it made me laugh; it reminded me of a scene from 30 Rock, the episode “Jack-Tor”. Jack is preparing to act in a sketch and doesn’t know what to do with his hands, so he holds a mug in each hand and says “This feels more natural.” It never fails to make me laugh, and I did yesterday when I saw this. Then I got to the bus stop, and as the bus pulled up a girl with a distinctive haircut ran to catch up. When I got to my first lecture, someone I know, who I didn’t even know went to my university, came in late and sat down. Okay, nothing really interesting in all that.
But then, it all happened again today.
The neighbour in the main street with her little boy, but outside a different shop. A woman this time, carrying a cup of coffee in each hand as she crossed the street in the same location as the man yesterday. The girl with the distinctive haircut at the bus stop again, but she beat me there today. And the person I know who came in late yesterday came in late again today to my lecture, a completely different lecture for a completely different subject. None of this was even the same time of day; it all happened two hours earlier than yesterday.
The day hasn’t ended yet, so I’m waiting to see if anything else re-occurs. I’m trying to figure out if it means something. I know the point of the movie Groundhog Day was that the protagonist had to keep reliving the same day over and over until he learned the lesson the universe was trying to teach him. And when he finally did, he woke up and it was no longer groundhog day. It’s one of my favourite movies.
Maybe the universe is trying to remind me to learn my lesson, a warning before it throws me into the same situation again.
I think I know what that lesson is. It’s just so painful. The emptiness makes me constantly want to throw up, but there is nothing inside me to come out.
I’m aware that it’s all sounding a little crazy, looking for meanings, connections, messages. And I’m equally aware as to why I’m doing it more and more. My life is feeling so meaningless at the moment, and part of me is trying to find meaning somewhere, anywhere. I currently have no more goals, no more aspirations, no more hope that I will have my own family. I feel so burned by what I’ve been through, that what I always held as my passion and my dream now makes me feel physically ill. I have nothing at all that I’m looking forward to.
Everything has been stripped away, so I’ve been tasked with finding meaning and happiness within myself. That is my lesson.
I don’t want to hear platitudes right now. I need to go much deeper, somehow. But I’m honestly feeling at a loss as to where to start.
At this time, I can’t rely on the only thing that I have ever felt meaning in; a romantic relationship.
The traditional things, such as friends, hobbies, and family, give me no comfort. And the dreams I had now make me feel ill.
I’m 33 years old.
I don’t know.