In a bid to find a bit of hope again I went to see a psychic today. He came recommended. But after my consultation, it’s clearer than ever that the universe wants me to start again, with nothing. Or to find hope on my own. The universe is not going to throw me any bones.
As soon as I sat down with him, he said “You think you need to start all over again.” I nodded that this was correct. Then he said “You often feel like you don’t want to live. You’ve been thinking about killing yourself.” I was shocked that he was so perceptive and direct, and I started to cry a little.
He said, “You want this to be over, but your soul hasn’t finished with you yet. You have to be brave, but you’re not brave.”
I began to feel agitated. He said I wasn’t listening to him. And that I wasn’t listening to myself. I began to feel so frustrated, because I was there to hear what he had to say, precisely because I feel so lost right now.
I went to him seeking hope.
He said he couldn’t continue the session with me, because I had put up a wall that was too stressful for him to try to see through. He spoke with me for five minutes. He didn’t take any money from me.
I left there bereft, hopeless, lost. Inconsolable.
I was terrified that it meant I don’t have a future for him to see. But I don’t want to die. I want to be happy.
I won’t give up on this. I will work it out, somehow.
Last week, when the possibility of a relationship with The Onliner ended, he asked to see this blog. I don’t share this with people I know in my life. I was scared, scared he would judge me. Scared it would push him away for good. But then I felt hopeful that it might help him to understand why I am the way I am, and I gave him the address. We decided to continue on as friends, but I haven’t heard from him since then, despite my messages to him. I assume something in this blog has caused him to not want to talk to me. I don’t know if he’s reading this anymore, but, I want to put a message here for him, in case he is. I don’t want to say this on Skype, or by email, because I want the world to know this.
Onliner, this is what I want you to know.
Last week I shared this blog with you. This blog, not the parts of my body that I have shared with others, is my most sacred space. I was scared, but I trusted you with it. And now you’re gone again, with no explanation, and I feel betrayed. I understand that something here may have upset you. But, I hope you will give me an explanation.
I want you to know this: you are not just another in a string of men. You are not one of them. Yes, I felt a connection with a couple, but none of them made me feel anything like the way my ex made me feel. Like you made me feel. Like you cared about me too. Like my feelings were reciprocated. Like we could have had a future together. Like I’d found something very rare and special. None of the others gave a shit about who I really am. None of them made me feel like I had a future with them. None of them inspired me to keep trying to get better, like you do. None of them drove me to the edge of the abyss when they went away, like you have. This is a good thing. Without this, without your appearance in my life, I would still be plodding along, having given up on my recovery, continuing to self-medicate and delude myself that I was fine, to sleep through the pain, continuing to distract myself from the emptiness with meaningless encounters.
I’m trying to word this in a way so that you know this is positive, necessary, and appreciated. I don’t want you to feel that you’re appearance in my life has been unwelcome, unnecessary or unnoticed, or just more of the same. Something I will soon forget.
The others, when they went away I felt a sadness, a momentary desperation, a discomfort that would soon pass. I thought it meant I was getting better, learning to not get attached, learning to not let my emotions get the better of me. But I just didn’t care enough. Eventually, I had given up completely on trying to better myself. I stopped writing this blog. I stopped seeing my therapist. But, I didn’t imagine I would meet someone again that made me feel the way that you did. Like you do.
I do not count you among them. You are different. You are not one of them.
I want the world to know that you are not one of them.
As much pain as this has caused me, and as close to the edge as it has pushed me, I still don’t regret our meeting. I needed this. I needed the push. I had forgotten where I was trying to get to.
My ex pushed me there the first time. You pushed me there the second time. I will not need a third time.
And even though I’m still in pain, I think this is where I need to be. To start again.
I needed this.
I want you to know this.
I’m so scared to hit ‘publish’.
But you need to know this.