All week I’ve had these awful feelings inside me that I just want to get away from somehow. In my stomach and in my chest, it’s a gnawing, aching, burning feeling. It’s emptiness, loneliness, meaninglessness. I’ve never been able to sit with these feelings before. Normally I would take Valium and try to zone out or take a sleeping pill and try to hide from the feelings that way. Or worse.
The past few weeks I’ve stopped taking the Valium and the sleeping pills to escape the feelings, but instead I’ve been phoning a friend. This sometimes helps, sometimes doesn’t. But it’s another way to ignore the feelings, to not deal with them, to not increase my tolerance towards them.
It’s my low tolerance of uncomfortable feelings that has been having such a dire effect on my life. Trying to escape or push away the feelings causes me to act out, to act in ways that aren’t acceptable, to step all over people. To push people away. To bring more bad feelings that I don’t try to tolerate. To spiral out of control.
The past few days I’ve been attempting to just sit with the feelings. I feel them. I name them. I try not to think too much about them, as it make s the feelings stronger. I tell myself it’s just part of being human and it’s not going to kill me. I’m the one who is going to kill me, if I don’t learn to tolerate the uncomfortable feelings.
It’s so hard, and it feels…yuck. It makes me feel like I’m going to be sick. It has to get easier eventually, right?