I feel like I fucked up again with The Onliner tonight.
After starting to feel a bit better in the past few days, I’m feeling distraught again tonight. Everything was fine, I was doing my coursework while chatting to him online. Even though the possibility of a relationship has ended, I have been trying to continue with him as a friend. It’s so hard though, as I still have all the strong feelings for him, and the hopes that we would have shared a future have yet to die completely.
The possibility of a relationship ended couple of weeks ago when his ex got in touch, and he decided to see where it would go with her. He said it was also because of the way I am, but I think having her back in his life made it much easier to let me go. I think we would have worked through it like we have before if he didn’t have her as an option. I probably should have just cut him out of my life at that point, but I didn’t have the strength. At the time, I thought not having him in my life was more painful than being shunted aside while he attempted to reconcile with her. Maybe I made a mistake.
But tonight, he started telling me about a problem he is having within his family. And how it makes him realise how alone he is. And how he wants to run away and start a family of his own. This tears out my heart. I feel the same, want the same, and want the chance to pursue that with him. I don’t know if he realises how painful it is to hear that.
I started to think again about how I may never get the chance to have my own family, due to my age, and the necessity to get better before I can be in a healthy relationship and bring another life into this world. It breaks my heart. It breaks me. It’s an unbearable thought to try to process. I can barely write this, I hurt so much.
I told him how I’m scared, and how thinking about this makes me feel sick. He said he was going to go. I want to talk to him. I want to tell him what that kind of talk does to me. But I can’t, especially when I know he’s going through a hard time, too. I just wish he could be more sensitive to what I’m going through. I’m getting better, slowly, but I’m not even close yet.
I can’t talk to him. So I write it down.
I can’t let go of wanting a family. I’m so scared. One of my best friends told me a few days ago that she is pregnant. I’m happy for her, of course, but it hurts so much that it’s not me. That it might never be me.