Day 373 – Post 100 – Mixed Emotions

I’ve been feeling a bit up and down lately. I’m not having mood swings but feeling both positive and negative emotions at the same time. I suppose it’s better than just feeling down, but it’s pretty confusing. There are a few reasons for the way I’m feeling.

First, I’m feeling an immense sense of relief because I’ve decided to freeze my eggs, which my parents have offered to lend me the money for. I’m 33, so if I do it within the next year there is a good chance of success in using them in the future. This means that I don’t have to rush to get better before my timer runs out, which I feel I need to do in order to be in a healthy relationship and to be a good mother. It’s given me back a sense of hope that I will actually meet the right person to start a family with, and I no longer have a time limit to become emotionally healthy, the pressure of which was definitely hindering me in achieving such.

Second, since starting work a couple of months ago, I have an improved sense of self-worth and a little more financial freedom. I’ve paid off my debts and have even started saving money. It’s a very good feeling. I still feel panicky in the mornings when I get to work, but that is starting to go away more and more quickly each day. I was even reprimanded at work and took it in my stride; I recognised that I had done something wrong and accepted the negative feelings my boss had toward me over the incident. I think this is a sign that I am maturing, as normally I would make a bunch of excuses and come home and cry about it.

Third, and this is where the confusing feelings come in, The Onliner and I have become friendly again. I want it to be meaningful, I want to know it will lead somewhere, but I don’t want to put pressure on it or him or get ahead of myself; it may or may not go anywhere and I’m trying to accept this so that I’m not crushed again if it doesn’t. I’m trying to keep a level head, but the interaction makes me happy and I’m confused about whether it’s okay to feel this way. I’d like to allow myself a little happiness, but I don’t want to rely on it for my well-being.

When I start to feel a bit anxious about him or that I’m not getting as much attention as I like, I’m still working very hard on accepting those feelings and countering them with logical thoughts. I’m careful to not avoid the negative emotions or to try to distract myself from them, in order to increase my distress tolerance. I feel like I am getting stronger.

I think I will get there this time.

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