Day 394 – I’m Going To Die Alone

I don’t know why but I’m pretty sure I’m cursed. I’m so lonely. Why do other people get to meet people and fall in love? Why can’t that happen for me? I’m not hideous. I’m not cruel. Why do people not seem to think twice about hurting me? I can’t act normally anymore, I can’t be myself with anyone. Myself just seems to beg people to walk all over me.

What do I do? Do I just give up on ever falling in love? Do I shut myself off from feeling anything? Do I start walking over other people too? I don’t want to be that person. But I can’t take being hurt anymore.

2 thoughts on “Day 394 – I’m Going To Die Alone

  1. I understand your feelings of frustration. I was diagnosed with BPD, too (in 2002) after a deteriorating series of events in a personal relationship that ended with me going to prison (for stalking), losing my license to practice law and other negative consequences. I disagreed with the diagnosis and for a number of years didn’t think it applied to me. I have now been in a relationship for almost 10 years. He also didn’t agree with the BPD diagnosis at first because I wasn’t acting out in the characteristic ways that BPD presents, but in the last 2-3 years the BPD came back again BIG TIME and he has come very close to ending the relationship on a number of occasions (sometimes almost monthly). I finally had to accept that the BPD diagnosis was correct – no excuses – it exists and is very real. I have not been able to go to formal therapy (lack of income and insurance) but there are so many resources on the internet and books written on the subject.

    The latest information that was eye-opening is a lengthy and well-written article in the new issue (October 2013) of Psychology Today, titled “Kings and Queens of Chaos: How to Handle BPD.” The new information is that BPD is not merely a result of poor parenting (which was always my position, because my mother was also a serious BPD who was never diagnosed), but there is actually a genetic (inherited) component to the personality trait. You have to accept the reality that it is always there, but just as any other inherited disorder or disease, you have to be able to recognize the symptoms and learn how to manage it. That is what DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) is all about and that’s why it works.

    Trying to shut off your feelings doesn’t work (and taking psych meds doesn’t really solve the problem either), but your feelings are hypersensitive and super-sized, more than the average “normal” person. You can have a successful relationship. but it does take a special type of person. Some men would not choose to be in a relationship with someone who they know has cancer or other serious health conditions. It doesn’t make them bad, and it doesn’t make the woman with the health conditions bad. It simply is what it is. There are men who will choose to be in a relationship notwithstanding known health conditions, but you have to own it, accept responsibility for it, and deal with it. You are obviously intelligent and you write well. You are not cursed. You can do it.

    (FYI, I am 57 years old and still learning to live with BPD. I will always have to be mindful of the tricks that BPD can play, but I have seen improvement and positive change. It is a lifetime process, but so are a lot of other trials and tribulations we humans have to deal with in life. This just happens to be mine … and yours.)

  2. Going through life difficulties like this make you stronger than many others. Don’t bother comparing your life situation with others’. And if they’re hurting you, then obviously they ain’t worth your time.
    You are at a level where you’re stronger than a person who only knows how to inflict hurt. So discard these people from your life and have pride in yourself.
    Take care! =)

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