Day 401- Not even I want to be with me

After last weeks post I was briefly up, but now I’m down.

I thought I was cursed, and then suddenly it felt like The Onliner was being affectionate towards me again. And I also met someone new in real life, The Suit,  who seemed to not be instantly scared away and wanted to get to know me. And then it all crashed on the same day.

It seems to have ended with The Suit as quickly as it began. We met a few times, and at our last meeting there was no indication that it would be the last. But now, silence from his end. I thought I’d learned so many lessons, and was doing well emulating how a sane women would act in these early interactions, but he must have smelled the crazy.

And then that same day, The Onliner found out about The Suit and turned on me. The problem was that I didn’t tell him straight away. He had to ask, he said I seemed more distant than normal, that things I said didn’t add up. I disagree with his assessment; I was still as happy as always to talk with him online for hours on end, and I was incredibly pleased at how it felt we were becoming close again. And, I had only just met The Suit and it was too early for there to be anything to tell, and I predicted it would all fall apart soon enough anyway. I didn’t want to ruin the good will that was growing again between The Onliner and I, or let him know when it was over with The Suit because it would add to my undesirability. I didn’t want him to know that no one wants me. Maybe I should have told him, but I had my reasons.

He said “I hope he’s a keeper”. I asked “Why, because it’s over for us?” “Yep”.

We fought. He’s impossible for me to fight with at the best of times, but lately my brain is all mushy from stress and exhaustion. He was like a pit bull, not letting up, picking away, joining imaginary dots, not letting me talk. I was backed into a corner and could only attack back. I think my attack on him made him angrier than not telling him about The Suit, I don’t know.

It’s just all too hard.

And, I’ve lost them both now. Along with any happiness I had started to feel.

My brain has been slowly shutting down these past few weeks. I don’t think I’m doing so well with uni and work. I’m trying to relax a bit and not be a perfectionist but everything is taking a toll on me.

At work and even at uni I’m so fucking lonely. I barely interact with anyone at either. I’m stressed and exhausted.

Maybe it’s for the best that these two other stressors have left my life too. But fuck, I’m lonely. It’s one thing that I can’t seem to learn to accept. It feels unnatural.

It’s hard to ignore the thoughts again, the ones that say if no one wants me then I’m not worth anything. That my life will never be where I want it to be so just give up. Just put an end to it.

My friend says I only need one guy to want to be with me. That doesn’t seem like such a big ask. But I’m constantly terrified that I’m going to fuck it up with anybody I meet that I can’t act normal for long enough.

My life is just constant terror, constantly on edge, watching how I act, what I say, trying to control my own thoughts so they don’t let me do something destructive. But I don’t know how much more I can take.  I need a break from myself. Not even I want to be with me right now.

4 thoughts on “Day 401- Not even I want to be with me

  1. Well Sparrow, you’ve answered your own question, perhaps its time to take a break, rejuvenate yourself.
    And then you’ll come back stronger, better! =)

  2. Im sorry you are struggling to keep reltionships and you worry at the same tiem you fuck up. I can relate to that. I have BPD too (just diagnosed) and even though I’ve been with y first boyfriend (now husband) for over five years, I sitll worry t hat he’s going to abandon me and that stretches our relationship. It’s true, you only need one guy, but it’s hard bringing tha tinto practice.

  3. Pingback: Day 415 – Dealing with Disappointment | From borderline to better

  4. Pingback: Day 431 – I Want to Eat the Whole Bag | From borderline to better

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