I think it is officially over with The Onliner. I confessed to him that I slept with The Suit, wanting to be open with him about everything that has been happening to me. This was a week ago. And then for some reason I freaked out thinking The Suit was never going to contact me again, and I had an anxiety attack while on Skype with The Onliner. And I told him I’m in love with him. He asked why am I dating and sleeping with this other guy if I’m in love with him? “It’s so I can stop thinking about you,” I told him.
I was breaking down and feeling close to the edge, and got out my pills again. I don’t know, looking at them can sometimes be a comfort, but it’s disappointing to know it’s not enough to kill me, but enough to possibly wreck my insides. So I don’t take them; I don’t want to make my life worse than it is.
The Onliner said he was getting a killer headache, and needed a break from our conversation. I begged him not to go. I didn’t feel safe alone. But he left, saying he’d be back soon. I assumed that meant an hour or so, but several hours passed and no Onliner. I tried to contact him, no response.
And he still hasn’t come back. It’s been the longest we haven’t spoken, and I’m pretty sure he’s not coming back. If there was one thing I thought I knew about him, it was that he always came back, no matter how angry he got with me. But this feels different. I guess he’s dropped out of my life so I can move on, so he can move on.
I am moving on. I’m actually seeing The Suit regularly now, and it’s going pretty well so far. I like him a lot, and he’s told me the same. There are some things about him that worry me, but I figure everyone has that stuff, and we all just have to learn to deal with and accept it.
His is that he can be unreliable with making plans. We make a lot of plans though, and only some of them fall through, so we have still been seeing quite a bit of each other. I just have to deal with those disappointments as they happen, and be careful to control my impulses to end it with him when they do.
I just get so psyched up when I know I’m going to see him, and then when it falls through I don’t know what to do with myself. The disappointment and boredom that comes crashing in overwhelms me, and even if I try to do other stuff to distract myself, I’m too distracted by the disappointment to enjoy anything else.
I guess it triggers my fear of abandonment, and that is by far the worst thing for me. Logically, it would make sense to let him go before things get too serious because he triggers me. I don’t think he will change, or think that it’s a good idea to go into a relationship with the intention of changing someone. But I want to change. So I’m not going to let this go. I’m going to use it as a way to get past my fear of abandonment.
I’ve started thinking of The Suit as a wild animal, who comes to me when he feels like it and isn’t mine to control. And when he chooses to see me I can be pleased, because he chose it freely. He can come and go as he likes, just like anybody should be able to in a relationship. When he doesn’t come to me it’s not an abandonment, because I’m not in his care. I’m in my care now.