I’m still dating The Suit, which frankly amazes me. I’m slowly revealing more about myself, and he hasn’t run away screaming yet. But, it’s something I’m still waiting for. Always waiting for. Always anxious about. And even though I should be happy that I’ve found someone I like who likes me back, the constant anxiety is making me think about suicide again.
My head is in a mess and I need to figure out what is happening up there. So I’m back on here. But I don’t know where to start writing. I love being with him. I like a lot of things about him. I like him. He likes me. But the more time I spend with him, the harder it gets to play it cool. And I know that it is that “coolness” that attracted him at first. But I can’t keep it up. I’m coming apart inside. I’m starting to slip and I know he sees it.
We see each other several times a week, but he is averse to planning, so I can never really count on when that will be. I need that, and I expressed this to him. He says feeling like he is being controlled will cause him to rail against it, so we discussed yesterday how we can work on a compromise. We set up one concrete arrangement in the near future, the conclusion at which we will arrange another. This is so that I know I will see him again, my big fear being that each time we part I will never see him again. The times in between these concrete plans are free to either not see each other or meet spontaneously, but there can be no expectations for these times.
Logically, this all sounds good and fair to me, but emotionally I’m still struggling with it. Being with him makes me feel good, so I want to be with him all the time. It is hard for me to understand why he doesn’t want the same, but I suppose he has other things that also make him feel good, and he is confident that I want to be with him, whereas I’m not yet.
I’m struggling to stop myself from just chucking in the whole thing because I can’t have all of him, all the time. The times we’re apart I feel distracted, anxious, and physically ill, like he truly is a drug. These symptoms go away when I see him, but come back as soon as he gets ready to leave. I don’t know if it’s worth it, or if I can work through this.
If I knew getting him out of my life would solve the problem I would do it, but I know it won’t. The feelings would just be there all the time and I know I can’t stop myself from searching for the next one to give me what I think I need. Part of me says I should end it and find someone who can give me what I want. The other part says that what I want isn’t healthy and that I need to work through it, to learn to be in a relationship that isn’t codependent, and that this is why he is in my life. But I don’t know if this is just the addict in me trying to justify keeping him because a little of what I want is better than nothing at all.
I’ve arranged to start seeing a new psychologist, but my appointment is three weeks away. I don’t know if I can make it that far without blowing everything up again.