Day 475 – There Are No Rules

This is mostly a catch up post, as things have been complicated and confusing lately.

The Onliner returned briefly, only for us to fight again. He’s gone again now, and it ended in such a way that I never want him back in my life.

My ex is back in my life. The one who was the reason this whole blog began. I contacted him in distress, and to my surprise he responded. We are beginning a friendship now, and this is a happy thing for me. Even after everything, I’ve made a lot of progress and have forgiven both him and myself for the things that happened. I still love the person that he is and am happy that he is in my life again.

The distress that caused me to reach out to my ex was brought on by The Suit. He is where the confusion and complication comes from. Things became very messy when he confessed that he has still been seeing and attempting to work things out with his ex. I knew he had slept with her very early after he had started seeing me, but I forgave him, as even though we had already agreed to be exclusive, we were not in a defined relationship. Not long after that, he told me he wanted me to be patient while he dealt with his issues, as he wanted to offer me more soon. I took him at his word, but later found out that the weekend two days after he told me this, he had spent with his ex.

This is when I decided to call things off. I was all ready to do it, but mere minutes before I pulled the trigger more complications arose, from his side. We were both in need of a friend at that time and so I delayed it. And during that delay I kept seeing him, but under a new set of circumstances; we would be friends, who would talk to each other about our problems, and console each other with sex. I accepted this deal because I like him so much. Because it does make some kind of sense. Because a little of what I want is better than nothing. Because we like each other. Because we are both going through a confusing time and need support. Because I’ve racked my brain to work out what is the right thing to do and discovered that there are no rules when it comes to matters like these, that we can only make the most of what we are offered. Because I hope I will either be able to move on before I get hurt, or that it will one day lead to more. Because I’m weak, maybe. Maybe the rest is excuses.

This is causing me some pain. Pain that he will console me through, even though it’s there partly because of him. It’s like sexual and emotional vertical integration. I worry that I’m being used and he is getting exactly what he wants, but I can’t really blame him for trying to get that. I’m trying to get what I want too. I just wish that what he wanted was what I wanted. Because I can either let him have things the way he wants them and accept it, or I can have nothing. I should be fair to him and say here that I am the one pushing for sex in the relationship; he has offered his platonic friendship which I turned down. I don’t think it would be possible to be around him just yet in that capacity.

I’m trying to date again. I have a couple of dates lined up this week, and am chatting to several people online. But I’m doing it reluctantly. I’m not excited by the thought of meeting someone new. I’ve found someone that I like. So I’m not willing to let him go so easily. He knows that I am dating again, and has offered to be there for me as a sounding board and sexual outlet so that I don’t rush into anything with anyone and scare them off or give it all away too soon. If I do meet someone that I could potentially be in a relationship with, sex with The Suit will end.

I know anyone reading this would advise me to walk away from the situation, but would you really find it so easy to do? I like him a lot. I really enjoy the time we spend together. I like the way he treats me when we are together. I love having sex with him. But I don’t know whether he is genuinely confused with his own situation or whether he is playing me. Maybe time will tell. Maybe this will sort itself out. Or maybe I will end up hurt again. I’ve been hurt badly before, but I’ve come through it each time. Even though it feels like each time becomes harder to take.

I suppose without risk there can be no reward.

I’m making excuses again.

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