This week my mind feels like a sludgey ball of tangled twine. It’s heavy, and I can’t pick out specific thoughts.
I feel like I’ve done some damage to my brain. There is definitely some psychological damage up in there.
The situation I am in is obviously too much for me to deal with. A combination of problems at home and what is happening with The Suit put me in hospital again a week ago, only to be discharged in the morning. I went home, tried to cut my left wrist. I pushed and sawed as hard as I could, but the blade was too blunt and now all I have is a scratch. When that didn’t work I drove to a remote train station. I took a knife but the plan was to stand on the tracks when the train came.
I sat in my car, thinking, crying, waiting. Waiting for the train, or for someone to save me. No one knew where I was. I sat there for maybe ten or twenty minutes before The Suit contacted me, to tell me he had finally woken up. The night before, as he put me in the ambulance, he had promised to pick me up when they discharged me. But in the morning, call after call went unanswered, and the betrayal and loneliness I felt was what drove me into the panic and distress that took me to the train station.
This weekend he is 1500 kilometres away seeing his ex and I am terrified that I will lose him. I am terrified that if I do lose him I will not keep myself safe. I should have a contingency plan in place, but I don’t know what to do. I also know that when those feelings hit, I don’t want people milling around me. I want to be alone so I can do what I feel needs doing. I’m scared. I’m scared of doing it. And I’m scared of being trapped with the way I feel when inevitably I’m too scared to do it.
I can’t understand why they are even trying to work things out. When he met me he said it was over, that he didn’t want to get back together with her, and that they were trying to stay friends. Obviously it was lies told in order to keep me around. Throughout the course of our relationship there have been occasions when “this happened” or “that happened” and as a result he doesn’t want to be with her. But then he keeps seeing her. And me. I’m not stupid. I know he is playing both of us.
What I am is weak, and falling in love with him.
Or at least, whatever version of love it is that I am capable of experiencing. I’m confused about that too.
I’m confused about how he feels about me. I’m confused about how he feels about her. The most hurtful part is that I’m not even a factor in the equation for him. When I asked him a couple of days ago whether I was the spanner in the works stopping them from reconciling, he said I wasn’t. I think he meant to reassure me that I wasn’t some home wrecker, but all it did was make me feel like nothing. Like what we had meant nothing. Like he could throw me and what we have away without any thought or difficulty should he and his ex manage to work out whatever it is they are trying to work out. Even though all they seem to have is problem after problem, even though she discarded him with no consideration for his wants or needs, even though she left him to move 1500 kilometres away on a whim and expected him to give up his career and follow, even though she talks of moving on again, even though she has been sleeping with someone else, even though even though even though…still what he and I have is so insignificant that it makes no difference to his decision making.
Why don’t I walk away? Because what we have is not insignificant to me. Despite everything else, in my eyes we have a good relationship. There is so much that I love about him, and about the way we interact, and the way we approach situations together. He’s supportive and attentive and caring. He’s funny and sexy and smart. I don’t want anyone who reads this to just think I’m a fool who is being taken advantage of, and being treated badly. There is a lot of good that I want to hold on to.
But then, I don’t get to see the full picture that he sees. And I doubt his ex does either. Maybe he is just very good at what he does, and she and I are both fools.