Day 484 – I’m Not Even A Factor

This week my mind feels like a sludgey ball of tangled twine. It’s heavy, and I can’t pick out specific thoughts.

I feel like I’ve done some damage to my brain. There is definitely some psychological damage up in there.

The situation I am in is obviously too much for me to deal with. A combination of problems at home and what is happening with The Suit put me in hospital again a week ago, only to be discharged in the morning. I went home, tried to cut my left wrist. I pushed and sawed as hard as I could, but the blade was too blunt and now all I have is a scratch. When that didn’t work I drove to a remote train station. I took a knife but the plan was to stand on the tracks when the train came.

I sat in my car, thinking, crying, waiting. Waiting for the train, or for someone to save me. No one knew where I was. I sat there for maybe ten or twenty minutes before The Suit contacted me, to tell me he had finally woken up. The night before, as he put me in the ambulance, he had promised to pick me up when they discharged me. But in the morning, call after call went unanswered, and the betrayal and loneliness I felt was what drove me into the panic and distress that took me to the train station.

This weekend he is 1500 kilometres away seeing his ex and I am terrified that I will lose him. I am terrified that if I do lose him I will not keep myself safe. I should have a contingency plan in place, but I don’t know what to do. I also know that when those feelings hit, I don’t want people milling around me. I want to be alone so I can do what I feel needs doing. I’m scared. I’m scared of doing it. And I’m scared of being trapped with the way I feel when inevitably I’m too scared to do it.

I can’t understand why they are even trying to work things out. When he met me he said it was over, that he didn’t want to get back together with her, and that they were trying to stay friends. Obviously it was lies told in order to keep me around. Throughout the course of our relationship there have been occasions when “this happened” or “that happened” and as a result he doesn’t want to be with her. But then he keeps seeing her. And me. I’m not stupid. I know he is playing both of us.

What I am is weak, and falling in love with him.

Or at least, whatever version of love it is that I am capable of experiencing. I’m confused about that too.

I’m confused about how he feels about me. I’m confused about how he feels about her. The most hurtful part is that I’m not even a factor in the equation for him. When I asked him a couple of days ago whether I was the spanner in the works stopping them from reconciling, he said I wasn’t. I think he meant to reassure me that I wasn’t some home wrecker, but all it did was make me feel like nothing. Like what we had meant nothing. Like he could throw me and what we have away without any thought or difficulty should he and his ex manage to work out whatever it is they are trying to work out. Even though all they seem to have is problem after problem,  even though she discarded him with no consideration for his wants or needs, even though she left him to move 1500 kilometres away on a whim and expected him to give up his career and follow, even though she talks of moving on again, even though she has been sleeping with someone else, even though even though even though…still what he and I have is so insignificant that it makes no difference to his decision making.

Why don’t I walk away? Because what we have is not insignificant to me. Despite everything else, in my eyes we have a good relationship. There is so much that I love about him, and about the way we interact, and the way we approach situations together. He’s supportive and attentive and caring. He’s funny and sexy and smart. I don’t want anyone who reads this to just think I’m a fool who is being taken advantage of, and being treated badly. There is a lot of good that I want to hold on to.

But then, I don’t get to see the full picture that he sees. And I doubt his ex does either. Maybe he is just very good at what he does, and she and I are both fools.

3 thoughts on “Day 484 – I’m Not Even A Factor

  1. Oh sweetheart ❤ I just wanna hug you, even if I don't know you.
    Can I just say, I'm proud of you? You've gotten so good at expressing your emotions, asking for help, being aware of your own situation and feelings, and your own needs! You've made so much progress. Maybe it's hard to see it right now, going through so much pain and having the suit on your mind, but think; Take him out of your equation. Would you be in all this pain? Would you have needed to go to the hospital? How are you dealing with everything else?
    I'm not saying you're a fool and he's bad news, clearly you know exactly what and who he is. Just saying; I think he's clouding your judgment of yourself! Don't give up. Please don't. If you ever want to talk, I'm right here. And I promise not to judge.

    • Thank you ❤
      If I were to take him out of my equation…I think I would probably be here in this situation with someone else in his place. Maybe, maybe not. Things were tough with The Onliner and in some ways worse; I ended up in hospital with him too, and he would just shut me out when we came up against problems, which made me worse. The Suit never does that to me, which I'm thankful for.
      No, the situation is far from ideal…but I don't know what to do. He's a good person in many ways, and I feel strongly about him. And he hasn't abandoned me. That is very important to me. I'm still very confused :/
      Thank you for your offer to talk. It's very hard to find other people who can understand what I'm going through, and that can make me feel isolated. xx

      • You can’t stay long-term with someone who’s still working things out with his ex, you know that. You’ll never be able to truly trust him after that stunt, and trust matters! Especially with these things.. Why don’t you just consider him good practice? A good guy, but not quuuuite the right one. But a good opportunity for you to grow, learn more about your reactions and emotions that are attached to being with someone? Don’t let this break you. He is, after all, just a man. And there is a ton of those. But now you see that he doesn’t shut you out, like the last one did, which proves that they’re not all the same. And the next one, won’t shack up with his ex.
        And maybe you’ll learn more about how to cope with being happy even without a man for some time? Just… Don’t let him tear you down. He’s not worth your life, no man will ever be worth that.

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